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Lithium
01-16-2010, 05:26 PM
Share them. *unzips pants*

scoop49er
01-18-2010, 10:30 AM
BJ in the car while waiting to go in 08..... she took it and i was thankful! :)

ambient sounds
01-18-2010, 11:08 AM
Having high sex for the first time on the first night last year.
My gf saying "I'm to wet" out loud, because shes to high, and then our tent neighbors just start giggling.

Monklish
01-18-2010, 11:09 AM
... "too wet?" Since fucking when is there such a thing as a too wet vagoo?

ambient sounds
01-18-2010, 11:17 AM
yeah i know that's what i always say but i guess when it gets the sheets dirty on the first night yah know.

Monklish
01-18-2010, 11:19 AM
... no, I don't know. What the fuck are you talking about?

SoulDischarge
01-18-2010, 11:25 AM
If prostitution were legal, this board would be a lot more tolerable place to be around.

scoop49er
01-18-2010, 11:31 AM
too wet? holy shit that hilarious.... when it gets like that, you get a shot at the poopshoot with all the goo thats down there!!!!!!! hahaha

Devin the Dude
01-18-2010, 11:32 AM
hahahahahahahahaha

fatbastard
01-18-2010, 04:02 PM
too wet? holy shit that hilarious.... when it gets like that, you get a shot at the poopshoot with all the goo thats down there!!!!!!! hahaha

Thank goodness: a clear and helpful recommendation that everyone can utilize. I'll speculate about the lineup with you anytime.

MaXiMuS501
01-18-2010, 04:14 PM
Now that is the type of info that this thread was created for!

Lithium
01-18-2010, 10:10 PM
Now that is the type of info that this thread was created for!

this is agreed. keep 'em coming. heh, coming...

scoop49er
01-18-2010, 10:16 PM
just remember, a girl's ass muscle flexes back and forth so get it moist and wait for the right time when it pulsates to a wide opening and its a home run!!! :)

love,

scoop49er

WizardIsAboutToDie
01-18-2010, 10:23 PM
Where did you do your OB-GYN residency?

ambient sounds
01-20-2010, 11:18 AM
... no, I don't know. What the fuck are you talking about?
You poor poor man.


too wet? holy shit that hilarious.... when it gets like that, you get a shot at the poopshoot with all the goo thats down there!!!!!!! hahaha
I think i have a new goal for coachella 10.

koliebo
01-20-2010, 11:30 AM
too wet? holy shit that hilarious.... when it gets like that, you get a shot at the poopshoot with all the goo thats down there!!!!!!! hahaha

Guys, if you take a "shot at the poopshoot" without asking first, then she gets an automatic shot at your poopshoot.

It's only fair.

Theijuiel
01-20-2010, 11:38 AM
Guys, if you take a "shot at the poopshoot" without asking first, then she gets an automatic shot at your poopshoot.

It's only fair.


With a 2 foot dildo,





















still in the box.

Aurgasm
01-20-2010, 11:40 AM
It was 2007. I went to see Gotan Project with the intention of dancing with various Latin girls. Instead I wound up with a Norwegian group..

long story short.. we made it back to my tent and she brought with her a beeding kit of source.. rave candi stuff. A few shrooms and a couple horribly made bracelets later things heated up and I found myself having rough sex with a hippie norwegian while Tiesto blared overhead.

the morning scene was remarkable. there i was...alone, beeds sticking to my ass and my back. The tent looked like if someone had thrown a hand grenade into Feather's bedroom..beads and craft stuff everywhere. my buddy slept outside the whole night...thanks Max!

Never saw her again.

GrossMagic
01-20-2010, 11:43 AM
^ I think you have Gotan to thank for that.

Aurgasm
01-20-2010, 11:47 AM
^ I think you have Gotan to thank for that.

I give 100% to Gotan.

I tried the same technique for Thievery Corp. last year and just ended up pissing off a bunch of bf's...

its hit or miss. Gotta find that awesome crew of foreigners who are down for whatever. In my music festival experience they can be found for sure at 'world music' acts...

miscorrections
01-20-2010, 11:49 AM
I would say banging a bead-laden hippie falls more under the banner of shameful than high-five-ful.

Aurgasm
01-20-2010, 11:56 AM
I would say banging a bead-laden hippie falls more under the banner of shameful than high-five-ful.

In most cases I'd agree.. but this hippie was interesting, intelligent and gorgeous.

Living in Denver, I come across of bead-laden hippies who would certainly evoke a "ehhh its pussy" whereas this one was like "wow its pussy with a brain and some cunning"

You ever have any shameful hook ups at coach misco? I've had plenty of drug fueled make out sessions..but my Norwegian was the only non-gf hook up in my coach history.

miscorrections
01-20-2010, 11:57 AM
I'm not about to relay details of sex I may or may not have had at Coachella.

TommyboyUNM
01-20-2010, 11:59 AM
I can count on one hand how many people on this board I'd like to read sex stories about. None have posted in this thread so far.

amyzzz
01-20-2010, 12:00 PM
This thread makes me ashamed to be human. today anyway.

Monklish
01-20-2010, 12:00 PM
I can count on one hand how many people on this board I'd like to read sex stories about. None have posted in this thread so far.

Four of Tommy's picks are me.

TommyboyUNM
01-20-2010, 12:01 PM
Watch you have sex? Sure. Read about it? Eww.

weeklymix
01-20-2010, 12:17 PM
This thread was a bit of a letdown I just hope I'm one of Tommy's fantasies.

BROKENDOLL
01-20-2010, 12:33 PM
I can count on one hand how many people on this board I'd like to read sex stories about. None have posted in this thread so far.
"Once upon a time, long ago..."

Ravingmad
01-20-2010, 12:57 PM
here is an excerpt from a 12 page recap of a threesome I had. enjoy. i have obviously changed my name and I am a Coachella vet

you seriously wrote 11 more pages of this

Monklish
01-20-2010, 12:58 PM
Nobody gives a fuck, Tucker Max.

BROKENDOLL
01-20-2010, 01:17 PM
you seriously wrote 11 more pages of this
No doubt, singlehandedly.

trentmorrison
01-20-2010, 01:31 PM
thought i read that someone saw a couple come out of a port-a-potty near the mainstage

BeeII
01-22-2010, 10:55 AM
Okay so I'm 24 now.. but this whole story all started back when I was 16 and living in New Hampshire. I got in trouble for selling weed at my school.. not a big deal since my high school was like druggie central.. full of like mega stoners and much harder stuff then weed.. but I mean.. I was stupid and I got caught selling on school ground so it was my fault.

I got suspended for 10 days like is the normal crime but because I had gotten in trouble before, they made me join some stupid rehabilitation program after school hours once a week. It was pretty stupid but a few of my friends were in it, so I dealt with it. If I had skipped the sessions it would have just caused more shit and it wasn't worth the trouble so I'd just go every wednesday and smoke a bowl after with a few of my friends from the group.

Anyways.. about halfway through my time in the rehab sessions they gave me the option of doing a once a week mentor volunteer shit with a group of like mentally challenged kids and kids with crazy diseases and stuff. My best friends little brother was like full-blown mentally challenged and was in the group, and he had been volunteering with them for years so I thought it might be actually kinda smart to quit these stupid sessions and instead do a once a week thing with my pal and his little brother.

So I started in with this group of sick and retarded kids and stuff and it was pretty easy and the kids all had good hearts and stuff so it was fun. But after the first week they assigned me to a little girl.. a total lost cause. I was really hoping they'd stick me in the same group as my friend and his brother but instead I was supposed to buddy up with this girl who's last mentor had gone to juvy for some stupid shit (go figure). Anyways this girl was totally sad, she was like 11 years old.. totally sick.. She had this elephant-man like disease, I don't know what it was but her nose smushed over like half her face and she her cheek bones pushed all up over her left eye so you could barely see it. Her face basically looked like it was made from jello and had been hit with a baseball bat and all smushed up on the left side.

Apparently because of her dissability she was blind in one eye and also deaf on her left side. She was super hard to understand when she spoke.. like most deaf people.. mostly because her mouth was all fucked up like the rest of her face. But she had a good heart. She was only 11 but she joked about her disease and was actually pretty cool about it, not totally depressing and awkward like some of the other kids.

So anyways I got to know this girl pretty well.. we didn't do much, just played chess and checkers and stuff. It was only like 2 hours a week for 2 months so after it was over I didn't have any intention of ever seeing her again. But like I said, she was sweet... never set out to hurt anyone or anything.
So anyways... 5 years later... Just after my 21st birthday.. I'm on summer vacation, just finished my 3rd year at UNH, and I'm home and everything. So one night I go out with a couple friends from high school who were all 21 and had all been gone away at different colleges. We all went out to drinking to catch up and stuff.. we had done this like every summer since school started. It was nice to see high school friends, you know the deal if you've been to college.

Anyways, one of the kids there was my friend with the challenged brother, my best friend from high school. He was going to school in Vermont on some scholarship and I barely ever talked to him anymore but I asked him how his brother was. Apparently he was in some cutesy faux-relationship with Daisy... the girl who I had mentored for the two months. I thought it was cute.. I mean they were both ugly and retarded so its not like the relationship meant anything.. but it was cute in the way that its cute when 2 little 3 year olds are dating cause of their parents or whatever.

But apparently my friend had been talking to this girl and she was like.. in love with me. She was only 11 when we met so it was one of those little girl crushes but apparently she would go on and on about how fun I was and now nice I was and how funny I was. Apparently those 2 months really stuck with her. Anyways.. we were all really drunk so my moron friends were like "dude.. you should totally go fuck the retard."

This was not a good idea.

Normally I would have laughed it off, but I was pretty drunk and I was a pretty dumb kid back then (remember just a few years earlier I was dealing pot in high school). So I asked them how much they'd pay me if I got head from the girl with the deformed face. Of the 5 guys there, 3 said they'd pay me, and each offered to throw in 20 bucks. Not a lot of money, but the novelty of the story would be the best prize.

I don't know why I didn't instantly shrug off the idea, because at this point she was like 16 or 17 years old.. and I was 21. Not to mention she was half blind, half deaf, half mute, and basically an elephant man. But I thought it would be like "epic" or something. So I just wanted to dip my feet in the water and see if I could even talk to this girl after all these years.

So I got my friend to take me along on a "playdate" or whatever they called it with his retarded brother and Daisy. Instantly she recognized me as soon as the three of us showed up at her house to pick her up. She didn't give me a hug or anything and was still super awkward and shy.. but her speech had improved and she had a decent set of tits and had definitely grown a lot taller. I spent most of the car ride sitting next to her in the back of my friends car and asking her about school and small talk and stuff. I made up some phony bullshit story about my girlfriend dumping me and not being able to trust women and she obviously fell for it.. she was 16 and retarded.. I didn't really have to try with her.

So we finally get to the park where the two kids were supposed to hang out, but she just wanted to sit on the bench and talk to me.. she completely ignored my friends little brother. My friend was getting kind of pissed, cause he had been there at the bar when I was joking about trying to get head from her. But I just kept waving him off, so he went and took his little brother to go play somewhere else in the park and left me and Daisy alone.

While we were sitting on the bench I kept up with my stupid girlfriend story and was basically just trying to get this 16 year old girl to have some sort of pity (as fake as it was) for me. Looking back it was completely slimy and disgusting.. but I mean.. thats kind of the point of the story. So eventually after a while I brought up what my friend had said about her always talking about me and maybe "having a crush on me" and she got super embarassed and said we should probably go hang out with Jim and Rick (the two brothers). I told her I was sorry about bringing it up and was just kidding and I took her over to play with them.

After that we all went and got Ice Cream and Pizza and shit and it was super boring cause I figured the whole joke was lost anyways and this girl was too embarrassed to even talk to me or whatever. But as we were dropping her off after the restaurant she put her cell phone number in my phone and told me to text her (not call her cause I couldn't understand her over the phone) if I ever wanted to vent about my ex-girlfriend.

As soon as I got home I texted her, basically rolling on the floor laughing as I was doing it, that "hanging out with her today really took some of the hurt away from my failed relationship". Once again like to remind you guys.. shes 16.. im 21.. and shes basically retarded. She texted back like immediately and was like "oh im so glad.. maybe we can hang out again soon." I texted back "you name the date." And her response was "tomorrow".

At this point I was starting to regret my decision because she actually seemed legitimately interested and I realized that she actually might have a crush on me and this might seriously go somewhere. The whole time I had been playing like a joke, not actually expecting anything to happen. But I figured that if I actually went through with it then I would be moving back to college soon anyways and wouldn't see her or anyone else from my old high school ever again and plus I'd have the most epic story to tell all of my friends and shit.. so I decided to make a meeting time to see this girl and I told her I'd pick her up for a movie the next night.

So next day rolls around and I'm actually getting really excited.. I hadn't really pursued anyone for a while and it can be super fun trying to get laid on a first date. This was obviously a different situation but it was much easier and much more difficult in many ways then going after a normal girl. I picked her up, brought her to the theater, bought her ticket, bought her all the food she wanted, and took her into the theater.

Now my local theater in NH has those liftable armrests, I dont know if every theater has those or not, but they are basically for fat people or couples who wanna get super close during movies. Its an easy way to try and make a move on a girl by seeing her reaction to lifting the armrest separator between your two seats. Partway through the movie (after some fake groans and shoulder readjustments on my part during the first 20 or so minutes), I asked Daisy if she'd mind if I lifted up the armrest, as it was bothering me. She didn't, so I did.. and she moved in closer to me. I seriously started to get hard at that point, not cause she was even remotely attractive, just cause I was so excited and knew I was in for an epic night. I didn't hesitate for a second and put my arm around her and she looked up at me and smiled and laid her head on my chest. I literally looked up at the roof and closed my eyes and just mouthed "oh hell yes". I was so fucking excited.

So here is where the shit gets intense (all you guys who thought this story was lame.. this is the good stuff.. I swear). Now this girl is laying there with her head on my chest, my arm around her, watching the movie, and she makes the next move.. I swear to god. She puts her hand right on my thigh, pretty high up too, like right near my cock. Now those following closely would remember that I had got excited before, and was sporting a nice hard on (not ridiculously stiff, but like maybe 70%), and she put her hand right dead on it. I like jumped for a second and then just tried to play it off as if I didn't even notice and kept watching the movie. She just started rubbing it back and forth tenderly.. as if it was like my shoulder or something. I literally couldn't even believe it. This girl was 16 and dating a retarded kid, I had reason to believe she had 0 sexual experience before.. but maybe I was wrong.. I still don't know to this day. Anyways.. shes just sitting there like stroking my cock through my pants and resting her head on my chest, not saying a word.. still watching the movie. As if nothing is going on.

So after like 2 minutes of this im like rock solid hard. Like 110%. She's basically jerking me off at this point.. and I know she knows it too because my cock is like bursting through my pants. I have no idea what to do now because shes basically just rubbing my crotch for the whole movie. I didn't know whether to make a move, ask her to stop.. or whatever. But luckily she once again, made the next movie. She (not even looking mind you, eyes (or should I say eye) still on the movie) starts unbuttoning my pants and just takes out my dick. Luckily we were in a pretty empty theater, and as any guy whos ever gotten any in a theater knows.. as long as theres no one behind you a theater is a pretty discrete place to get lucky. But now my dick is fully out in the air.. and shes just got her hand balled around it like a fucking golf club..

So anyways (fuck you jerks), I'm sitting there watching a movie with a half blind, half deaf, half retarded smushed face girl holding my dick out in plain sight. Then... after just holding it for a few seconds, she finally takes her concertration of the movie and just basically attacks my dick with her mouth. She opens as wide as she can (which isn't very wide mind you) and just swallows my fucking cock. Now I'm not huge or even really big or anything.. but I'm not like a little pricked asshole like most of you /b/tards.. Im a good over 9000 inches, but this girl basically swalloed my dick whole. She had almost the entire thing in her mouth, as if shes been doing this for years (or maybe she just has no gag reflex or whatever.. I have no clue). But she just goes to town and starts running a train on my junk.

Now for all of you people who have never had a blowjob.. its hard to describe how they feel. The lips usually are super soft and the mouth is wet and it assuming they do it properly it just feels incredible. I usually cum pretty quick from a good blowjob just cause it feels so good.. but this was like no blowjob I've ever recieved. If you remember correctly half of this girls mouth was effectively scar tissue, so while half of my dick was being blown my soft wet lips, the other half was against this hard dry skin.. literally the weirdest most awkward thing Ive ever felt in my life. It didn't hurt but it basically robbed any pleasure out of the equation, especially since the side of her face that was showing was her fucked up side. It looked like harvey dent and the elephant man's love child was giving me head and it felt so god damn weird.

So since I know I'm not gonna be able to cum just from this ugly 16 year old girl sucking my dick I start to like close my eyes and try to picture some fantasies and shit like that hoping that just the motion from her disgusting face will make me cum and just end this whole thing so I could take her home, never talk to her again, and get 60 bucks from my friends. So I'm sitting there picture hot moms and teachers and stuff that I had scene in various web porn and shit when all of a sudden she starts choking. Now remember.. this girl is half deaf, so she does not know when she is being loud.. but she was being FUCKING LOUD. She starts gagging and choking and making the most horrible noises ever. I push her off my cock, but not before the people sitting two rows in front of me stand up and turn around and see me. I shove my dick back in my pants as they just stare at me.. completely appalled, and my 16 year old freak date is like coughing up spit and mucus and shit into her hand.
I was so embarassed at this point and actually kinda freaked out (I didn't know the legality of this, but was pretty sure that being caught with a 16 year old retard going down on you in public wasn't a good idea). So I grabbed her hand (she was still gagging and shit), and ran her down the stairs towards the lobby. Of course... creepy couple from 2 rows ahead of me starts following.

As I'm darting through the lobby, holding this girls hand.. the guy from the couple in front of me grabs my shoulder and turns me around. He tells me that hes a teacher at the school and knows Daisy and wants to know how old I am and why I was with her at the movie theater. I told him I was 18 and Daisy's boyfriend.. of course he didn't believe a word of it and demanded I stay while he went and grabbed theater management.

Daisy just looked and me and kept saying she was sorry and that she didn't want me to get in trouble and that she'd lie for me and stuff. The theater management came over and asked us to go sit in the office for a bit while they talked to the couple from a few rows ahead of us. Of course... this is when things get fucked up again.

As we are sitting alone in the office, Daisy runs up, slams the door.. locks it, and runs over in front of me and starts taking off her shit. Now remember before I said she had developed some decent tits... they were NOT DECENT at all once she had taken off her shit. She had the most fucking ugly nipples I had ever seen (to coincide with her horrible face) and her tits were basically purple with veins and marks and shit... Almost puke inducing.. like that bad. But of course we are sitting in a random movie theater's office... with the door locked.. and this retarded underage girl is stripping in front of me. This was NOT a good situation for me.

I grabbed her shirt off the floor and told her to stop and that the crew was coming back and that wed get into major trouble but she just kept pushing the shirt away and saying "nooo.. noo... I love you.. I love you." At this point I wanted to like kill myself for ever having thought this would be funny or whatever.. because no matter how this ended.. I was completely and totally fucked.

So I'm trying to get her to cover up her horrendous decayed jack-o-lantern tits when theres a knock on the door and the theater guy is like "open up.. open up or we will call the police."

Of course I can't open up with retard girl half naked so I started shouting for him to hold on. At first I figured they would use a key to open the door or whatever but I later found out he had left the keys inside of the office and the other supervisor/manager was on break at the time.. along with the other set of keys. So the theater guy was banging away at the door.. Daisy had managed to her her pants off along with the shirt, so she was wearing nothing but a gross pair of white underwear, boots and socks, and I was standing there basically shitting my pants.

So bascially my plan that I had formed at the moment (maybe not the best, but I was really strapped for time and couldn't think of anything) was to convince Daisy that I would take her home and have sex with her (I know.. disgusting), if she agreed to get on all her clothes and leave the theater with me. Finally I convinced her and, in tears, she started gathering up her clothes. By this time the theater guy had stopped knocking and I was starting to fear that he had actually called the police.

As soon as Daisy was dressed, I grabbed her hand.. told her a quick fib about how we were boyfriend and girlfriend and I was from Vermont visiting an old family friend and that my name was (some fake shit I had made up, I don't even remember). She was crying but agreed and so I opened the door to greet the theater manager (and in all likelihood a police officer) when I saw another friend from highschool waiting at the door. He whispered to me that his manager was calling the cops and that I should bolt and he wouldn't rat on me. I grabbed my shit and ran to the car out of the managment's emergency exit door, before the manager or anyone else could see me.

Of course.. shit just got worse as soon as I got to my car. Apparently even though I thought shit would finally be okay once I got out of the theater.. Daisy had decided she couldn't wait until we got home, and that she would run back inside and tell on me unless I had sex with her right there in the car.
So there we are in the car, with this girl trying to get me to fuck her right there.. and I'm trying to bargain and reason with her because I cant drive off, as shes got the door wide open, ready to bolt and basically get me arrested. I ask her if she'll settle for me kissing her now and all this shit, or if shell let me drive to her another spot.. and shes not going for any of it. Finally I tell her that Ill get in the back seat and make out with her if she lets me drive to the back of the theater (where theres nothing but like a dumpster and some recycle bins). She agrees and I do so.. At this point I'm willing to do anything to just shut this bitch up and get out of this situation. I put up my all my windows (luckily they are tinted), and go sit with her in the back seat. My plan was just to make out with her for a couple minutes, maybe go to second base and shit.. and then drive her home and put an end to this.

However, my plan didn't really come into frutition as this girl was HELL BENT on having sex with me. First she tore off her shirt again, just like she had in the theater office.. and then got bother her pants and her panties off.
By the way.. side note.. this girl had a horrible face, fucked up senses.. disgusting tits.. but her pussy was actually normal. I would never have expected it, but it actually wasnt all fucked up and distorted like the rest of her body.. Just an interesting fact I thought I'd let you guys know.
So at this point I'm willing to go as far as I have to go to get out of this situation. I'm actually scared that I could go to jail or get arrested or whatever for all sorts of shit so I just want to please this girl, shut her up, and get her home.

So I start making out with her like normal.. and she is like super super aggressive. By the way.. making out with her and her disgusting frog face is even worse than the blowjob was. Its like kissing a girl if half her face was a fucking redwood tree. Half hard-bark, half soft skin.

So anyways, I'm making out with this girl and before I even touch her pussy she starts like moaning like shes having a full blown orgasm. Shes like "ohhhh this" and "oh yeahhh that" and its starting to freak me out cause I'm thinking this girl might actually be completely gone in the head. At this point I realize I'm not gonna get away from this unless I get myself in her pussy somehow, but I didn't have any condoms or anything, not that I even wanted to put my dick in her, but it was just more reason not to. So I start sticking my finger in her and doing my thing.

This was like the only solace that I had from the entire event.. the fact that this girls VAGINA actually felt and looked like a VAGINA, and that she actually responded as most girls do when being fingered. She kept on moaning and shit and I was pretty sure that if I kept it up I could make her cum and get her home without any more fuss. Now my normal routine when fingering a girl is to go from making out to her, to feeling her up, to sucking on her tits and stuff.. kinda keep her excited. But devotees will remember she had tits like shrunken heads.. so I basically was forced to make out with her troll face the entire time.. not fun for me.

So there I am, fingering this gross retarded 16 year old girl in the back of a movie theater parking lot trying to get her to come so I can take her home, ditch her, and never speak to her again to avoid arrest or worse... when she finally orgasms.

This would be the happiest moment of my life. As shes sitting there, she grabs onto my shoulders, tightens her grip like a fucking cougar, and just cums all over my hand. I've never had a girl cum as much as this 16 year old did.. and I probably never will. But there she was.. cumming and moaning in that godawful voice of hers.. and all I could think about was that it was finally over. That was until she looked at me, and I finally saw what was behind her disfigured face. In all my years in New Hampshire, I had never seen a bear this big before. Her eyes locked with mine.. fangs bared, she attacked me. The biggest brown bear I could ever imagine.. as if it was lusting for a giant pot of honey, ripping my face to shreds. Fur went flying in every direction, my hand covered in come was useless to defend with. Daisy-bear started tearing up the seats in my car, I had no choice but to exit the car and look for shelter. Of course it was futile. She dragged me out into the woods behind the theater and had her way with me. To this day I am confined to a wheelchair because of the beating that Daisy inflicted on me.

The end.

meyouseek
01-22-2010, 11:03 AM
Ummm, seriously? Boner be-gone.

J~$$$$
01-22-2010, 11:20 AM
H6O3uV0SK4Q&feature

eIR5cokjsI0&feature

Monklish
01-22-2010, 11:22 AM
BeeII, do you ever post anything besides copypasta, you unoriginal fuckbag?

BeeII
01-22-2010, 12:25 PM
BeeII, do you ever post anything besides copypasta, you unoriginal fuckbag?

Hey Monk, do you ever stop being an elitest, pretentious douchenozzle?

Monklish
01-22-2010, 12:35 PM
I wouldn't have to be if there weren't people like you in the world. Try and flex your tiny little brain hard enough to generate some original content, cancerfag.

djandrews25
01-22-2010, 12:37 PM
Hey Monk, do you ever stop being an elitest, pretentious douchenozzle?


He doesnt, but passing off that fake story as your own throws you to the top of that category.

BeeII
01-22-2010, 12:59 PM
He doesnt, but passing off that fake story as your own throws you to the top of that category.

it was clearly fake, so why would i think i could get away with passing it off as my own?

Monklish
01-22-2010, 01:01 PM
This isn't /b/, Bee.

luckyface
01-22-2010, 01:02 PM
Couldn't you have at least posted an amusing story, Bee?

magenta
01-22-2010, 01:02 PM
... no, I don't know. What the fuck are you talking about?

of course you dont know what he's talking about.

BeeII
01-22-2010, 01:03 PM
I wouldn't have to be if there weren't people like you in the world. Try and flex your tiny little brain hard enough to generate some original content, cancerfag.

i post original shit all the time, and if i post some copypasta, it's because i know most ppl (on this board anyways) have never seen it.

actually, nvm, i don't know why i'm explaining myself to you of all people.

BeeII
01-22-2010, 01:03 PM
This isn't /b/, Bee.

clearly.

Monklish
01-22-2010, 01:06 PM
clearly.

Even if it was, you still wouldn't be funny.

BeeII
01-22-2010, 01:09 PM
Even if it was, you still wouldn't be funny.

Well, the arbiter of funny has spoken, so i might as well off myself. goodbye cruel, cruel world.

Monklish
01-22-2010, 01:10 PM
If you an hero'd it would be the most entertaining you've ever been.

djandrews25
01-22-2010, 01:11 PM
it was clearly fake, so why would i think i could get away with passing it off as my own?

Stating where it came from before or after your post would have cleared you of any douchiness, it doesnt really bother me but after accusing randy of being a douche i had to say something.

BeeII
01-22-2010, 01:13 PM
Stating where it came from before or after your post would have cleared you of any douchiness, it doesnt really bother me but after accusing randy of being a douche i had to say something.

go you, captain save a douche

djandrews25
01-22-2010, 01:23 PM
I wasnt saving anyone, just pointing out what a hypocrite you are.

BeeII
01-22-2010, 01:27 PM
I wasnt saving anyone, just pointing out what a hypocrite you are.

how exactly am i a hypocrite?

amyzzz
01-22-2010, 01:28 PM
boring boring stories here. Ugh.

djandrews25
01-22-2010, 01:35 PM
how exactly am i a hypocrite?

Seriously, you cant figure this out on your own?

BeeII
01-22-2010, 01:40 PM
Seriously, you cant figure this out on your own?

enlighten me

djandrews25
01-22-2010, 01:55 PM
Stating where it came from before or after your post would have cleared you of any douchiness, it doesnt really bother me but after accusing randy of being a douche i had to say something.

Please reread, and then do some critical(barely) thinking on your own.

ABCkatie
01-22-2010, 02:03 PM
WHAT THE FUCK
this is a music festival website where people share thoughts about MUSIC not SEX
the people who write this shit obviously made it all up because anyone who would write about their "sex" stories on here of all places is pathetic and would never get laid

kbye

Monklish
01-22-2010, 02:05 PM
So this one time, I was fucking ABCKatie in the ass, right, and I swear to God when I finally pulled out she practically tackled me to suck her ass juices off my balls. True story.

icarus
01-22-2010, 02:22 PM
Okay, that's the first time this forum has actually made me laugh out loud.

MassonaBlackEyes
01-22-2010, 02:24 PM
win

BeeII
01-22-2010, 02:33 PM
Please reread, and then do some critical(barely) thinking on your own.

clearly you don't know what a hypocrite is, so here's the definition:




hyp⋅o⋅crite [hip-uh-krit]

–noun
1. a person who pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs, principles, etc., that he or she does not actually possess, esp. a person whose actions belie stated beliefs.
2. a person who feigns some desirable or publicly approved attitude, esp. one whose private life, opinions, or statements belie his or her public statements.




now, with this newfound knowledge, complete this statement:


BeeII is a hypocrite because _________________

TommyboyUNM
01-22-2010, 02:36 PM
BeeII is a hypocrite because _________________

he has spoken out against NAMBLA, but frequently touches 7-year old boys.

djandrews25
01-22-2010, 02:38 PM
Calling someone a douche for pointing out what a douche you are being is definitely being hypocritical. Learn to comprehend a definition, they aren't as cut and dry as you will lead us to believe.

M Sparks
01-22-2010, 03:07 PM
This one time, my wife and I weren't completely exhausted when we got back to the tent at the end of the day, so we had sex. Kinda.

OnlyNonStranger
01-22-2010, 03:08 PM
Kinda, as in she fell asleep halfway through?

M Sparks
01-22-2010, 03:17 PM
Seriously, you're digging for details on that?

OnlyNonStranger
01-22-2010, 03:20 PM
It's a slow news days.

ABCkatie
01-22-2010, 03:22 PM
everyone get off here and get laid instead of making up stories pretending you have

Monklish
01-22-2010, 03:23 PM
Katie, have you ever had a cock in your ass?

thewindowliquor
01-22-2010, 03:24 PM
Katie, what's the most cocks you've had in your ass at once?

fixed

ABCkatie
01-22-2010, 03:24 PM
8-9 black cocks approximately

Monklish
01-22-2010, 03:25 PM
... at once?

BeeII
01-22-2010, 03:25 PM
Calling someone a douche for pointing out what a douche you are being is definitely being hypocritical.

i didn't say i wasn't a douche as well numbnuts. if i had, then you'd be correct, i didn't so you're a moron that doesn't know what the term hypocrite means.

at least monk has the good sense to insult someone without making himself (herself? at least according to the LA Times) without looking ignorant and having it backfire on his (her) ass.




Learn to comprehend a definition, they aren't as cut and dry as you will lead us to believe.

so now we can make up the definitions of words to suit us?

i hereby declare the definition of hypocrite to mean "totally righteous dude" so as to make your assertion of me being a hypocrite 100% valid.

there, feel better now?

ABCkatie
01-22-2010, 03:27 PM
oh you know it...

Monklish
01-22-2010, 03:28 PM
I'm officially bored with this brainless cocaine shitfarm.

djandrews25
01-22-2010, 03:47 PM
Indeed, bee is more of a relentless moron than i am. I didnt think that was possible. You are right bee, a hypocrite has nothing to do with projecting self virtues onto someone else and then acting like you are innocent.

vogina
01-22-2010, 04:31 PM
just remember, a girl's ass muscle flexes back and forth so get it moist and wait for the right time when it pulsates to a wide opening and its a home run!!! :)

love,

scoop49er

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA HA

BeeII
01-22-2010, 04:47 PM
Indeed, bee is more of a relentless moron than i am. I didnt think that was possible. You are right bee, a hypocrite has nothing to do with projecting self virtues onto someone else and then acting like you are innocent.

when was i acting innocent? now who's projecting?

BeeII
01-22-2010, 04:48 PM
I'm officially bored with this brainless cocaine shitfarm.

cocaine? if only.

djandrews25
01-22-2010, 05:04 PM
You calling him a douche and not willing to admit what you did was douchy.....WHY THE FUCK AM I STILL ARGUING WITH A FUCKTARD LIKE YOU??

gaypalmsprings
01-22-2010, 05:25 PM
me
you
Coachella
2010
kthnx

Mr. Fuzz
01-22-2010, 05:39 PM
the deaf retard choking on your dick was funny.

donkey sex
01-23-2010, 12:28 AM
Took in on myself in preparation of New Order with the complimentary hand sanitizer in the portipottie. Smoked some weed in there before the deed. Didn’t even bother aiming for the shithole upon release and it was the most romantic date had in a long time.

Watching Predator on AMCHD. How manly is that greeting between Apollo Creed and Schwarzenegger? One tells the other “You son of a bitch” before they go straight into a standing arm wrestle where the camera holds on Arnold’s bicep for a long second. All while Arnold is puffing on a cigar.

amyzzz
01-23-2010, 01:25 AM
wait, are you saying you masturbated in the portapotty or you actually had a girl in there?

Suffacated
01-23-2010, 01:42 AM
http://i157.photobucket.com/albums/t52/Suffacated/POLO/No_Sex_by_rasendori_101.jpg

BROKENDOLL
01-23-2010, 02:31 AM
http://i162.photobucket.com/albums/t246/uga_luver/blowjob.jpg

BeeII
01-23-2010, 02:33 AM
wait, are you saying you masturbated in the portapotty or you actually had a girl in there?

does the whole sex-in-a-portapotty thing actually happen? i mean i could be in there with gisele and the putrid smell of shit and piss festering in the desert would prevent me from getting even a semi.

gaypalmsprings
01-23-2010, 06:28 AM
http://ignatz.brinkster.net/momatchingdrapes/mmd10.jpg

http://blogs.trb.com/news/local/morningnews/blog/PORT%20A%20POTTY%202.jpg

http://www.page2live.com/wp-content/gallery/tigers-girls/smg_exc_loredana-jolie_michelle-braun_port_a_potty_010110_01.jpg

http://www.songlinesmusic.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/Keith%20and%20Sean,%20smaller.jpg

donkey sex
01-23-2010, 07:08 AM
the skinny guy from Road Trip
"Damn eastern european men and their poor eating habits squeezed by tight denim"
"I gotta take a dump and put on another layer of makeup" "K. Let's go in here" "K. First lets stop for a photo opp"
"Harder, harder" "That as hard as it gets"

gaypalmsprings
01-23-2010, 07:17 AM
http://i.somethingawful.com/cliff/ihateyou/page-170-05.jpg

donkey sex
01-23-2010, 07:19 AM
wait, are you saying you masturbated in the portapotty or you actually had a girl in there?

alone, but not lonely

nah, that never happened. Thought about it...especially after having had closely watched a scantily clad brazilian woman dancing closely with a circle of men in the Mojave, but it would be gross ("come in here for some privacy. Got some clothes hanger pins for our noses"). Have smoked a bit in there as I'm sure many, many others have as well.

M Sparks
01-23-2010, 08:25 AM
This is the worst sex thread ever.

amyzzz
01-23-2010, 08:32 AM
Srsly. This thread is just not working for me. The one story I was gonna read later got deleted in the meantime.

donkey sex
01-23-2010, 08:59 AM
Yeah, maybe everyone is abstinant or only do boring positions or something. Well, here is seven hundred pages of stories to get your jollies. Love the titles like 'She was crying "No more, please, I will die"', 'Did it with Landlord', and 'Timmi finally gives in'.

http://www.exbii.com/showthread.php?t=100843&highlight=prostitute+stories

Lithium
01-23-2010, 09:18 AM
god dammit, nothing good comes out of this. nothing.

M Sparks
01-23-2010, 09:24 AM
Yeah, maybe everyone is abstinant or only do boring positions or something.

Or prefer not to share their hot sex stories with a bunch of slobbering 13 year olds hanging around here because Mom put up a porn firewall.

Monklish
01-23-2010, 09:25 AM
Oh, Sparks, the avatar... lordy...

M Sparks
01-23-2010, 09:25 AM
Oh, Sparks, the avatar... lordy...

Hot, ain't it? That alone should spice this place up.

shotglass75
01-23-2010, 01:21 PM
http://blog.oxygencreator.web.id/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/fat-woman-sex.jpg

Suffacated
01-23-2010, 02:19 PM
Srsly. This thread is just not working for me. The one story I was gonna read later got deleted in the meantime.

Theres a difference between a "Sex Stories" thread and this Coachella version of a Craigs List "Casual Encounters" thread.

donkey sex
01-24-2010, 07:39 AM
Well, we just are gonna have to create stories this year. I am willing step up and help. Going to purchase tent space and from 2am to noon will make love to people who PM'd me to schedule an appointment.

I'm a early/mid thirties caucasian male. 6'2" height, 180lbs, 8" circumsized boner, trimmed pubic hair, untrimmed butt crack/cheek hair, okay looking with longish brown hair. Am normally hetero, but willing to try homosexuality again for this weekend only and possibly a lifetime if I get hooked (Dislaimer: Will not take it in the butt unless you very small penis cus even a pinky finger hurts me badly). Condoms mandatory and/or a formal clean bill of health report signed by a licensed doctor. With your concent, will post stories on this thread upon completion of the festival. PM me now.

yeahi'llgo
01-24-2010, 10:21 AM
Do Coachella girls spit or swallow?

hansvrijmoed
01-25-2010, 10:11 AM
Do Coachella girls spit or swallow?

They use teeth. Not cool...

Mr. Dylanja
01-25-2010, 11:39 AM
I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom.

GoodEarth
01-25-2010, 01:46 PM
I've had both anal and vagina sex with most of my ex's and I perfered vaginal. Call me ol' fashion, but shit on your dick is not fun, it smells, it's weird, even if it feels nice and tight it's still shit on your dick. rubber dont block the smell of shit. and in a tent? seriously?

GoodEarth
01-25-2010, 01:46 PM
Ah, nevermind, fuck um where they shit

donkey sex
01-25-2010, 03:35 PM
Met this girl at camp and took her up on the offer. Pretty good, inexpensive treat.

http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j18/apopular7/suck-yo-dick-fo-a-dolla.jpg

Donthatetheplaya
01-25-2010, 08:19 PM
Who wants to watch spiders get busy?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D92AUXhYZ0M

iammrcandyman
01-25-2010, 09:01 PM
I've had both anal and vagina sex with most of my ex's and I perfered vaginal. Call me ol' fashion, but shit on your dick is not fun, it smells, it's weird, even if it feels nice and tight it's still shit on your dick. rubber dont block the smell of shit. and in a tent? seriously?


Ah, nevermind, fuck um where they shit

I think I have a collapsed lung from laughing.

dank bud ftw
02-20-2010, 11:56 AM
haha this thread is unreal

juloxx
02-20-2010, 12:14 PM
So this one time, I was fucking ABCKatie in the ass, right, and I swear to God when I finally pulled out she practically tackled me to suck her ass juices off my balls. True story.

http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h145/Twista6002/i-lol-d.jpg

Was she a screamer?

thisdj
02-23-2010, 11:17 AM
i told the girl i was with at the time i'm horny, i wanna fuck. she told me "well i'm hungry, i want a chili dog."








so i gave her a chili dog.

M Sparks
02-23-2010, 11:36 AM
This is the worst sex thread ever.

...

TomAz
02-23-2010, 12:02 PM
Yes, but just think how much worse it would be if it were better.

SoulDischarge
02-23-2010, 12:06 PM
And inversely, how much better it would be if it were worse.

M Sparks
02-23-2010, 01:20 PM
My brain hurts now.

zeg0ggles
02-27-2010, 10:47 AM
She had red hair and was from Arizona. Aside from that, what I remember is that she was very sweet and about eight years older than me. Use your imagination for the rest.

Ecstasy's a helluva drug.

Kaimyrdin
02-27-2010, 10:57 AM
She had red hair and was from Arizona. Aside from that, what I remember is that she was very sweet and about eight years older than me. Use your imagination for the rest.

Ecstasy's a helluva drug.


This reads like an episode of "When Cougars attack..." ;)

CellarOwl
02-27-2010, 11:50 AM
She had red hair and was from Arizona. Aside from that, what I remember is that she was very sweet and about eight years older than me. Use your imagination for the rest.

Ecstasy's a helluva drug.

Well that's not a story at all. Even buttfuck dropout rednecks writing to Penthouse could do better than that.

M Sparks
02-27-2010, 01:13 PM
She had red hair and was from Arizona. Aside from that, what I remember is that she was very sweet and about eight years older than me. Use your imagination for the rest.

...she finally noticed me ogling her. Her sunny disposition darkened, as she turned away from the charming man who's arm she had entered on, and fixed her steely glower on me.

"What are you looking at, kid?"

"Oh, nothing ma'am, I was just noticing the lovely shade of your..."

"You don't look at me. You don't talk to me. Not without cash money down. You see this guy I'm with?"

"He's very handsome. I was just..."

"Very handsome, very hung, and very rich. But it's still $2000 a night. That's a lot of lawns to mow, lot of burgers to flip. You got $2000 on you?"

"No ma'am, I..."

"I'll work a double shift, I don't care. But it costs $2000 to lick these snakeskin boots"

"Lick...what? I'm confused. I just thought your hair was pret..."

"If you were thinking kid, you wouldn't have let that lazy eye of yours wander across these 52HHs without a deposit."

"What? My vision is fine. And 52HH seems a bit excessi..."

"Shut the fuck up and get me a steak martini!"

"Wow, this got weird fast! I think I'll just go home and..."

And then, the room spun, and everything went black. I woke up in rural Montana, missing a kidney...and missing my virginity.

donkey sex
02-28-2010, 10:30 AM
his last words before dying in bed were "no, no, yes, yes, yes, no, yes, yes"

Devin the Dude
02-28-2010, 12:29 PM
M Sparks, that made me rofl.

M Sparks
03-01-2010, 05:57 PM
M Sparks, that made me rofl.

Thank Jebus SOMEONE appreciated the effort.

Kaimyrdin
03-01-2010, 08:30 PM
You say "appreciate", i say "a little disturbed by..." ;)

Rumforever
03-01-2010, 10:37 PM
But it costs $2000 to lick these snakeskin boots"

HAHAHAHAHA my friend just bought a pair of snake skin boots from goodwill today. Now I know where they're from.

donkey sex
03-08-2010, 09:15 AM
"we'll start by putting three fingers in you. How does that sound? Does that sound good? Very well, let's get started"
http://i.ehow.com/images/a04/vt/iq/job-description-church-greeter-800X800.jpg

Sublime
03-09-2010, 03:41 PM
You'll find me spankin it right here
http://c2.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/133/l_52b7f69f2c4b4d03b0a7a406e3fd3551.jpg

HandBanana
03-09-2010, 06:14 PM
“That’s funny,” Harry said flatly. “So very very funny. Why are you still here?”

“Because I’ve been wanting to kiss you all day,” Draco said unexpectedly, and leaned forward, and did just that.

Harry kissed him back, charmed against his will. Draco’s predilection for sarcasm often made it difficult for Harry to discern when Draco really meant what he was saying, and so increased the effectiveness of Draco’s rare displays of sincerity. Grinning slightly, Harry pulled away. “So there’s your kiss. Are you going to leave me to my homework now?”

“Did I say kiss?” Draco improvised. “I meant have a lot of sex with. An easy slip to make, really.”

“Really,” Harry said dryly. “Well I wouldn’t bank on a lot if I were you. I’m not altogether okay with the idea of doing this in my room.”

Draco narrowed his eyes. “Why?”

“Well, roommates, you know. Not the aphrodisiac you’d expect.”

“Especially yours,” Draco said, wrinkling his nose. “Yet despite the horrifying turn this conversation has taken, it seems your mere presence has still left me with this hard-on issue.” He gestured apologetically to his lap, where his trousers were stretched tight across an obvious bulge.

“You’d be under the cloak,” Harry pointed out. “No one would see it.”

Draco gritted his teeth. “You know, Potter, the fact that I like you doesn’t mean that I don’t also hate you and want you dead. Please, keep testing my patience. I’m sure you’ll look as lovely as I did last year with tentacles.”

Harry snickered. “You are kinky, Malfoy.”

Draco reached for his wand.

Unable to hold back any longer, Harry cracked up. “You are so easy it almost isn’t fun. And you whine more than any person I’ve ever met, do you know that?”

“Okay,” Draco muttered. With an exasperated sigh, he started undoing his trousers, pushing them down over his hips and wrapping his long fingers around his cock.

Harry sobered instantly. “What are you doing?”

“Well, since you’ll clearly be no help in this area, I’m forced to take matters into my own hands.” Draco paused, disgusted. “Look at this, Potter. Look how far you’ve pushed me, to bad puns and tossing myself off. I hope you’re happy, you heartless bastard.”

“Let’s not be hasty,” Harry said hurriedly, unable to look away from Draco’s hand, slowly pumping up and down his cock. “Now that you mention it, I realize that I’m also in the mood for, um. This.”

“Oh, how gratifying, we’ve finally reached the end of the obnoxious banter portion of the evening.” Draco rolled his eyes. “Now we can bring on the awkward fumbling and eventual gratification.”

“Do you want a blowjob or not?” Harry said, irked by the awkward fumbling remark. “And I’m finding the eventual gratification to be a bit of an exaggeration-”

“What exactly are you implying?” Draco cut him off.

“You know exactly what I’m implying,” Harry said challengingly.

Draco stilled, releasing his erection with what looked like extreme reluctance. “I can last as long as you can.”

“Right,” Harry said skeptically. “Come here.”

mickflyy
03-09-2010, 10:03 PM
You'll find me spankin it right here
http://c2.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/133/l_52b7f69f2c4b4d03b0a7a406e3fd3551.jpg

that is fucking SICK, i wouldnt even piss in there let alone have sex

Yoshan
03-12-2010, 12:22 AM
lol is it only guys in this thread? its kind of lame, spice it up a bit

mickflyy
03-12-2010, 12:36 AM
dirty toilets=spice ???????????

zeg0ggles
03-13-2010, 04:43 PM
I stopped reading this thread for a while, and when I came back there was fan-fiction written about me. I'm humiliated and flattered at the same time.

TomAz
03-13-2010, 06:56 PM
lol is it only guys in this thread? its kind of lame, spice it up a bit

it's teenagers fantasizing about sex. you think women are gonna participate?