PDA

View Full Version : The Worst Review of a record you've read?



C DUB YA
07-31-2008, 08:17 PM
Mine has to be this one.

Some douche on Amazon gives Yankee Hotel Foxtrot 1 star and says anyone who likes it is a hack, and that it lacks any intricate sounds.

http://www.amazon.com/review/RBN7OWALII375/ref=cm_aya_cmt?%5Fencoding=UTF8&ASIN=B00005YXZH#wasThisHelpful

Memorial_07
07-31-2008, 08:20 PM
the review on the best of dr. know has to be one of the most bullshit reviews.
and it was from a "professional"

MissingPerson
07-31-2008, 08:25 PM
I remember seeing a panel of highly influential TV arts critics tear Neon Bible apart, even though about halfway through the segment it became clear that two of them hadn't actually listened to the record. They ripped it to shreds on the basis that some of the bandmembers had gone to boarding school. That was literally their criticism. They didn't even pretend not like the songs, or hell, to have heard them.

I just can't deal with that - literally, their only job is to listen to albums and say what they think about them, and they don't bother doing the first bit. I mean, if I worked in a shop, and took your money, and didn't actually give you the thing you'd bought, I'd be fired like the halfwit I am.

woogie846
08-01-2008, 12:05 PM
Mine has to be this one.

Some douche on Amazon gives Yankee Hotel Foxtrot 1 star and says anyone who likes it is a hack, and that it lacks any intricate sounds.

http://www.amazon.com/review/RBN7OWALII375/ref=cm_aya_cmt?%5Fencoding=UTF8&ASIN=B00005YXZH#wasThisHelpful

What a dick.

Trick Loves The Kids
08-01-2008, 01:25 PM
Pitchfork reviews really are the worst. Three paragraphs about the cultural relevance of the 1969 Moon Landing as it relates to modern electronic dance music, and then two sentences spent vaguely describing the album or the reviewer's feelings about blogs, one or the other.

theripped
08-01-2008, 10:13 PM
The rolling stone review of Beirut's Flying Cup Club. Not only did they put a uninspired bad review up, they put the wrong album picture too!

Boourns
08-01-2008, 10:31 PM
http://www.discollective.com/albums/Of-Montreal-Hissing-Fauna-Are-You-the-Destroyer/user/1298


Of Montreal
Hissing Fauna, Are You the Destroyer?

This group of Canadian cross-dressers was recommended to me by a spiky-haired sales associate at the Best Buy. I told him my granddaughter Kelly was looking for some “fresh” dance music to play at her wedding reception. He said this group is the cat's pajamas among the younger generation. The lady singer of this band sings the type of music that was popular in the late 1970’s and early 1980’s. But, weirder. And fishhooks, did I strike out!

These knuckleheads are obviously hopped up on amphetamines as confirmation on the song “Heimdalsgate Like a Promethean Curse.” I’m not even sure what that song title means or if you can even call it a song. Sounds more like robots going crazy! I assume the title is code for dope with the lyrics: “Chemicals going to strangle my pet. Chemicals going to make me sick.” (“Sick” is often used to mean “great” with this generation.) What kind of a message is that for the troubled youth of this nation? The titles for all the songs are mostly in Canadian slang, because Lord knows what they actually mean. I’m not sure where these dumbbells find inspiration. Some of the music even reminded me of that great Outback Steakhouse jingle!

As I sampled these songs in my PT Cruiser in route back to the condo, a thought occurred to me: these jokers are Godless atheists (or worse)! The proof is in the pudding:

* “The church is filled with losers. They're psychos and confusers!” – from “Gronlandic Edit”
* “I’ll burn down any old church and just laugh way too much.” – from “A Sentence of Sorts in Kongsvinger”
* “There's two Gods for everyone. I want two Gods for the BEAST!” – from “Labyrinthian Pomp”

Despite this disturbing setback, the Christian wedding went off without a hitch. Most of the music from the reception was listenable. Kelly’s nephew Roger deejay’d the event (he calls it “spinning”) and he threw in some golden oldies for us older folks. The grandkids even danced to that crazy “Gronlandic Edit” song. Horses for courses.

zenidogx
08-01-2008, 10:37 PM
that's a fake review. can't be real.

Boourns
08-01-2008, 10:39 PM
Of course. But lulz @ PT Cruiser. He did another review and said the instructions for his compact disc player were "in Oriental."

Boourns
08-01-2008, 10:48 PM
Radiohead Kid A

"Optimistic" tells fans that doing their best is good enough. Beyond that, the messages are generally neutral and obscure with lines like "I slipped on a little white lie/We’ve got heads on sticks/You’ve got ventriloquists" and "This one went to market/This one just came out of the swamp/This one dropped a payload." Nebulous.


The singer on "Motion Picture Soundtrack" believes that red wine, cheap sex and sleeping pills will help him bounce back. "Morning Bell" repeats the line "Cut the kids in half" (trouble if taken literally, but it may be a cryptic reference to how divorce rips at children). A hidden booklet in the CD's jewel case includes morbid violence and sexual phrases. It also features the f-word.


This Grammy-winning, five-man band from England (named after a Talking Heads song) has found success despite an unconventional marketing strategy. No singles released to radio. No music videos. No U.S. tour. Yet Kid A spent its first week at the top of the pop chart. It isn’t a deeply offensive disc. Still, it’s a downer. Time magazine credits Radiohead with "capturing the numbing ambivalence that many people feel about living in a microprocessed age." Maybe, but teens shouldn’t waste their time on what feels like a 50-minute soundtrack from a despairing hallucination.

http://www.pluggedinonline.com/music/music/a0000878.cfm

R41N570RM
08-01-2008, 10:55 PM
I hate reviews that, basically talk general good about the album and all that, not any real criticism or anything, but, give it like two stars for a rating.
Might have been Rolling Stone, I think, who reviewed Daft Punk's Alive 2007 album and gave it two stars, even though they didn't point out anything wrong with it...

algunz
08-01-2008, 11:10 PM
"Shit sandwich"

aeroplanee
08-01-2008, 11:15 PM
http://www.pluggedinonline.com/music/music/a0000878.cfm

ooohhh man, i forgot about this site

microcuts
08-02-2008, 12:12 AM
Anything on pitchfork would be the worst review I've ever read. I mean, aside from the blatant, sickening bias they have towards certain bands, and the complete lack of writing skills from the reviewers, I guess it's not a bad site.

fiyahhh!
08-02-2008, 06:38 AM
A few months back Maxim reviewed the new Black Crowes album before any promos were made available. Once this was found out, they publicly admitted to writing the review without even hearing the album.

Memorial_07
08-02-2008, 10:02 AM
only the good reviews (in my opinion) come from amazon. real people, real fans of whatever band telling you striaght forward how the item is

bmack86
08-02-2008, 10:06 AM
Mine has to be this one.

Some douche on Amazon gives Yankee Hotel Foxtrot 1 star and says anyone who likes it is a hack, and that it lacks any intricate sounds.

http://www.amazon.com/review/RBN7OWALII375/ref=cm_aya_cmt?%5Fencoding=UTF8&ASIN=B00005YXZH#wasThisHelpful

Obviously

MissingPerson
08-02-2008, 08:16 PM
A few months back Maxim reviewed the new Black Crowes album before any promos were made available. Once this was found out, they publicly admitted to writing the review without even hearing the album.

See, that's what pisses me off more than anything. Even if the review isn't terribly clever, or doesn't make much sense, at least I don't feel cheated by it. I might disagree, I just don't feel cheated by it, so long as the guy sounds like they at least listened to the damn thing.

mountmccabe
08-02-2008, 09:33 PM
Pitchfork reviews usually include a good attempt at picking meaning out of records and placing them in a cultural context. Their reviews are also of a goodly length and aren't tossed off.

I don't care that some people take them too seriously. I don't care that they can take themselves too seriously or that they can go overboard, at times.

Their reviews are interesting music writing. That's all I'm looking for.

Boourns
08-02-2008, 10:47 PM
Yeah, the whole cultural context bullshit is just a way for them to not only be pretentious but also to justify dismissing whatever bands don't fit in with their hipster agenda.

zenidogx
08-02-2008, 10:57 PM
judging by your sig, Boourns, i'd figure you'd enjoy pitchfork.

i like pitchfork. they keep me up to date on some of my favorite bands. they introduce me to new music, whether they give it a good review or not. they are up their own ass alotta of the time, but they cover better music than most other sites. i also dig the poptimist columns.

roberto73
08-02-2008, 11:38 PM
Yeah, the whole cultural context bullshit is just a way for them to not only be pretentious but also to justify dismissing whatever bands don't fit in with their hipster agenda.

As John mentioned, attempting to explain how an album fits into a larger cultural context is actually thoughtful criticism. It's certainly not exclusive to Pitchfork, or even music. Dismissing it as part of some kind of "hipster" conspiracy theory is to ignore much of the best criticism that's ever been written.

Psicosis
08-03-2008, 03:30 AM
The Pitchfork review of the Black Kids album was pathetic (and I don't care for Black Kids).

bug on your lip
08-14-2008, 12:54 PM
you should see the Pitchfork review of the 2nd Jet album

BlackSwan
08-14-2008, 01:01 PM
i didn't particularly care for Pitchfork's review of Thom Yorke's The Eraser... especially this part...


"Black Swan" is a swampbucket "I Might Be Wrong" retread that barely even flaps its wings (nevermind gets off the ground)

Pitchfork is the swampbucket, whatever that is really supposed to mean.

http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/article/record_review/37216-thom-yorke-the-eraser

humanoid
08-14-2008, 01:09 PM
I'm addicted to reading record reviews, but honestly I think many of them are terrible

So many have nothing to do with the actual musical content of the album, and isn't that the point? Dismissing the cultural context of an album wouldn't be responsible either though, it should be a balance of all the varying aspects.

Too often though, I feel the reviewer is attempting to confuse the reader with absurdly obscure references in an a effort to fully establish their indie cred. By the time they get to the actual music, they have run out of energy from the apparent self-aggrandizement and snide commentary, that they forget to mention the actual music.

faxman75
08-14-2008, 01:10 PM
you should see the Pitchfork review of the 2nd Jet album


Yep, that is good but I actaully really enjoyed their review of "get born". I liked the album too but it was a really funny read. Pitchfork is not the enemy but I love making fun of them and hipsters anyway.

BlackSwan
08-14-2008, 01:13 PM
Too often though, I feel the reviewer is attempting to confuse the reader with absurdly obscure references in an a effort to fully establish their indie cred. By the time they get to the actual music, they have run out of energy from the apparent self-aggrandizement and snide commentary, that they forget to mention the actual music.

or overuse words like "interstitial"...

in this recent Pitchfork review is appear in two consecutive sentences... http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/article/record_review/144531-stereo-mcs-double-bubble

pinguinotonto
08-15-2008, 09:27 AM
Best Review Ever is pitchfork's review of "The Daft Club" album.
http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/article/record_review/16832/Daft_Punk_Daft_Club

reverb
08-15-2008, 10:13 AM
um, back in the day there was a band called downey mildew (http://www.myspace.com/downymildew).

the review simply said...."i'd rather see downey mildew"

if you don't know about downey, ca then that might not seem funny. but i did. and it was.

i also liked the vice review of the latest new york dolls record that said this is what your divorced dad listens to in his easy chair or something like that.

sonofhal
08-15-2008, 03:39 PM
There used to be an English band called Peach. Their debut single was called Burn. The review in NME just read "Should be taken as instruction" (I actually thought it was quite good).