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View Full Version : Rules Of Scoring Reminder--Pay Attention, Newfags



RotationSlimWang
07-31-2008, 04:52 AM
Since we're in the middle of the shithead monsoon season it appears, I decided perhaps the newfags need to be shown the exalted commandments handed down by cary12345. Could've just bumped the old thread, but figured the monkeys could use a pointed thread title so they know it's for them.

And don't worry about scoring, human suck fests. You're a ways away from that. But in the meantime, read these daily and see if you can manage to stop sucking all the scores of legitimate posters out of the board. Baby steps, you see. First master not being awful. Then maybe attempt contributing something slightly good, but expect to be awful at it.

Leech too many lulz out of the forum and it will die. Like metachlorians and The Force, except less stupid. Please stop making us reprimand you for stomping around here, making us all feel like we're trapped in Episodes 1-3 of Star Wars and wondering why we tell you to shut up. Without further adieu...


Please pay attention. This is helpful and important information that will likely not be repeated again. At least not until 2008, in any case. So please take notes.

1) You are not qualified to give points. Not now, not ever. Should you ever become qualified to give points, we will let you know. Or perhaps not. Please pay attention for further details on this. The answer is clearer than you might think.

2) 100 points is way too fucking much for simply fucking an obvious football. You kids need to settle down with that. The general rule of thumb is 5 points for a quality namecheck, 10 for an obscure yet relevant reference, and 10 to 15 for a decent snap. You can go higher or lower as the situation requires, but don’t be tacking on a C note just because someone makes a fucking fart joke. I mean really. Also, quality photoshops are always in the 20 to 10,000 point range. Always.

3) Yablo and Yablo alone is the only one with the power and the authority to rescind or override any points given in any situation. He is both astute and unmerciful in his duties in this capacity. He is our leader, both spiritually as well as physically, so do not fuck with him. He also holds a special and secret place for each and every one of you in his heart. It would really be in your best interest to find it early and often.

4) The only acceptable blanket answer to anything is “Bill Murray”. You could just say Brill or Brills and we would likely know what you are talking about. However, if you are referring to the Brills of “Caddyshack” and not the Brills of “Stripes”, “Lost In Translation”, or “Meatballs”, then you might be in the wrong place here. Maybe try the Lollapalooza board.

5) You are a douche who should always be douching, checking, and then douching again. So get over it. Accept it and move on. We were all douches once. Many of us still are on the inside. The trick is finding something positive about being a douche. Get a hobby. Become an expert in something that you could inform the rest of us about. Try macramé. I hear that’s nice.

6) Points are redeemable for cash and prizes after a certain period of time. We won’t tell you when or where, but they ARE redeemable. And people really do win on CMB.

7) Swordfishtrombones would be a good example of an acceptable screen name. Raspberry_Girl_LOL1717 would not. Just something to think about.

8) The greatest rapper alive is likely a two year old girl living in Beijing or possibly somewhere in Malaysia. Her first single is gonna be straight fire yo. If you were to pay attention to trends and current events, you would not need any further clarification on this. For instance, if you are unable to pronounce the words “Nouri Al-Maliki” or if you do not have at least some vague idea of whom that might be, again, you might be in the wrong place here. You are out of your element and should probably hang your head in shame. Or, at the very least, keep your big yap shut when we are discussing world affairs. Shhhh. Pipe Down. Be Quiet. The grown-ups are talking. Failure to abide by this stipulation could result in the subtraction of points.

9) On a related note, you are not authorized to subtract points. Not now, not ever. Should you ever become qualified, we will let you know. Or perhaps not. Please see rule #1 for further clarification on this matter. You are also responsible for keeping track of your own points. We will not be responsible for the loss and/or theft of your points. We may be willing to issue you a credit if the price is right, but don’t try to pad it. We will know if you are lying.

10) Her name is Yoshimi and she has a black belt in Karate. Did you hear that? A BLACK belt. And she will kick your ass, no questions asked. There’s a reason she posts here and it likely has something to do with the fact that she’s smarter than you and therefore more valuable to the board on principle alone. So no misogynist jokes. The reason douche is funny is because they don’t actually exist. They’re just empty boxes. People are just too embarrassed to bring them back to the store. On a similar subject, please pay attention to brown people. Gay people too. All are welcome here. Except douches. You know who you are. And we will know if you are only pretending. So don’t fake the funk yo. Real peeps only plz.

11) When dealing with the issue of points, the goal is typically to be LESS helpful. But don’t confuse that with being a dick for dick’s sake. So come correct. Also, the less you say the better. Brevity is the soul of wit and less is always more. Don’t keep your big mouth running for twenty minutes on Billy Corgan, even if you are rightfully making fun of his pear-shaped ass. Keep it short and to the point. We are all busy people, working hard to change people’s lives, and we simply do not have time to be scrolling all day long for the chestnuts. Put the chestnuts front and center at all times and we should not have any problems with you. But do not make us search for the chestnuts. And do not ruin a chestnut with your lesser almond. Blood has been shed around here for much less. We have no problem at all with roasting your retarded ass. We’ve already got the fire going.

12) Also, Kanye West is not a rapper. Not really. No matter what YOU might think. He just poos clouds for other rappers to spit on. Nice beefy clouds, but clouds nonetheless. You should never really take him too seriously. Also you should always beware the advice of grown men wearing gold chains over Lacoste and madras shorts. Unless they’re gold “chainz”. Then he might be onto something. Also, the above "rule" is worth 10 points all on its own. Do you understand the game that you are playing now? Do you know? Do you know? Money, do you know? More importantly, do you REALIZE?

That’s all I have for now. These 12 steps should help you get started. There are a few of you here who really need a program or two. This one changed my life. Also, there are others who are far more versed in this subject than I could ever hope to be and they would likely be able to add to or amend these rules. Please feel free to do so at your leisure. Thank you.

Original Thread (http://www.coachella.com/forum/showthread.php?t=11488)

Young blood
07-31-2008, 06:13 AM
What happened to bug? I still rap with his family members.....but we miss him, we want him to come home.

RotationSlimWang
07-31-2008, 06:29 AM
He's hiding. Looks like about 85-95 percent of the entertaining population are all Anne Frank'd up this past month.

Stefinitely Maybe
07-31-2008, 06:42 AM
zbNekqcq1qY

eqNCVBVG4_M

Blinken
07-31-2008, 07:14 AM
I would put into consideration that Young Blood can also be included in rule #3.

captncrzy
07-31-2008, 07:20 AM
I have a theory...bear with me:

My theory is that the newfags are around this summer (rather than just coming around in February and leaving in May) due to the lack of ....Delta.

The truth is that Delta scared off many of the newfags. Frankly, if you were around in the old days and survived the Delta onslaught, you deserved to stay. It's like being jumped into a gang. If you can take your lumps like a man (or woman), you get to stay. If you can't handle it, you go away. Without Delta giving the lumps, the newfags just stay.

Not that Delta should be able to return. He was banned for a reason. I don't remember why, but I'm sure Dani had her reasons. She's pretty relaxed with us-you seriously have to fuck up to get booted from this joint.

But still, I liken Delta to Saddam Hussien. He was able to keep the crazies and the fuckups in line. Taking him out of the mix-even if it was the right thing to do-has let the inmates take over the asylum.

I've shared my theory with Somewhat Damaged, and he agrees with me...probably because I threatened that I would withold his trip to the promised land if he didn't.

This message was brought to you today by a triple venti nonfat caramel macchiato.

marooko
07-31-2008, 07:23 AM
heres a rule: fuck you.

captncrzy
07-31-2008, 07:24 AM
They aren't talking about you Mario.

marooko
07-31-2008, 07:35 AM
They aren't talking about you Mario.

i dont know bout that. but thats not why i posted what i did. also, it was a little strange to see my name and not marooko.

RotationSlimWang
07-31-2008, 07:35 AM
They aren't talking about you Mario.

Marooko's an old newfag. Same shit, just not technically "new." Don't tell me who I'm talking about, Jen.

And I still miss Delta.

MissingPerson
07-31-2008, 07:45 AM
Captn, your theory does make sense, but let's face it - Delta was a severe enough pain in the ass that the benefits of having him there as a spam repellant were far outweighed by the cost of actually enduring his input.

Also, I still wince at the use of "faggotry" and related word "newfag". I'm aware that I'm wasting my time saying so here, but still, just wanna throw that out there.

RotationSlimWang
07-31-2008, 07:54 AM
Awww, my condolences on the pain of your wincing. Isn't life just full of terrible affronts to your basic human decency and its application to made-up words? It's a good thing you voiced your objection, otherwise I would have never had a clue that those words had any negative connotations whatsoever.

marooko
07-31-2008, 08:05 AM
coming from the thread starter, thats funny.

MissingPerson
07-31-2008, 08:08 AM
Well damn, that sure showed me. Aw, first that post, and now the Ting Tings are on the television, this day cannot possibly get any worse.

algunz
07-31-2008, 08:10 AM
Do I have any points? Oh please, please tell me that I do.

Mr.Nipples
07-31-2008, 08:13 AM
I already have my own score card and I was unaware of this stuff.
Only two names on it though.
Brokendoll is currently in the lead with 15 points
Mr. Nipples far behind with only 5 x 10^-137.

Its a space race between the two on who the fuck can out stupid themselves. I didn't know anything about who they were when I started and now that I get an idea for what kind of shit they post, it makes sense that Brokendoll would be way ahead of Mr. hairy(his first name if I am not mistaken, correct me if it is something else) nipples.

I think though that my system was obsolete from the start to the one of this thread.

You're so witty

RotationSlimWang
07-31-2008, 08:14 AM
coming from the thread starter, thats funny.

... why is that funny? I don't know that you understand what "funny" consists of, which is the fucking problem.

marooko
07-31-2008, 08:18 AM
Mr. Clay, you were funny in the late 80's and early 90's, but you gotta change your bit with the times, pal. seriously.

im gonna break your back because im gonna fuck you so hard....ooohhhhhh. OOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

RotationSlimWang
07-31-2008, 08:19 AM
... you realize that the Dice Clay dig would be a lot more effective if I was the one who sounds illiterate and not you, right?

AndrewDiceClay
07-31-2008, 08:20 AM
shut the fuck up bruno

marooko
07-31-2008, 08:20 AM
you forgot the ooohhhhhhhhhh.

RotationSlimWang
07-31-2008, 08:22 AM
You forgot to develop any redeeming qualities in 30 years of living. What's your point?

marooko
07-31-2008, 08:23 AM
you got me, im not as good at the board as you are. im worthless.

BROKENDOLL
07-31-2008, 08:26 AM
coming from the thread starter, thats funny. http://i172.photobucket.com/albums/w18/1BROKENDOLL/randyclown-1.jpg

algunz
07-31-2008, 08:26 AM
Maroo, sorry - you're like that kid in my class that just doesn't know how to let things go. "Don't be that guy."

chairmenmeow47
07-31-2008, 08:28 AM
i don't need any rules to score and do alright on my own, but thanks :thu

captncrzy
07-31-2008, 08:29 AM
Captn, your theory does make sense, but let's face it - Delta was a severe enough pain in the ass that the benefits of having him there as a spam repellant were far outweighed by the cost of actually enduring his input.



I don't disagree. Was just sayin'...

marooko
07-31-2008, 08:30 AM
Maroo, sorry - you're like that kid in my class that just doesn't know how to let things go. "Don't be that guy."


im just sour today. dont worry bout me gunz.

Young blood
07-31-2008, 08:31 AM
"It will never sell out". I loved that guy.

Tubesock Shakur was also pretty funny.

RotationSlimWang
07-31-2008, 08:31 AM
you got me, im not as good at the board as you are. im worthless.

You're so fucking boring I don't know how you can even stand yourself. Where did people start getting the impression that showing off their uselessness works? "Call us vapid, brainless, non-contributing wastes of life?! Well I'll fucking SHOW YOU! Prepare for a series of posts that make little to no sense and are of interest to no one, even me! And he said Puerto Ricans are retarded... HA!"

BROKENDOLL
07-31-2008, 08:32 AM
i don't need any rules to score and do alright on my own, but thanks :thu Blowing the threadstarter certainly has it's perks now, doesn't it? :nono

marooko
07-31-2008, 08:33 AM
too funny.

chairmenmeow47
07-31-2008, 08:34 AM
Blowing the threadstarter certainly has it's perks now, doesn't it? :nono

them thar's fighting words, BROKENDOLL, tread lightly :blah

algunz
07-31-2008, 08:36 AM
Hmmm, Pirate vs. Tweeker, that'd be a great match. I'd watch.

RotationSlimWang
07-31-2008, 08:36 AM
Well... I mean she's not incorrect... there's a lot of perks. It's a perk in and of itself, wouldn't you agree? =)

BROKENDOLL
07-31-2008, 08:37 AM
them thar's fighting words, BROKENDOLL, tread lightly :blah :dumbo

apostle2
07-31-2008, 09:54 AM
I didn't read this thread because, well, I read it the first time as a pussy lurker. But this is what I think of when I read the phrase "newfags":

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3040/2719589539_7a25498ac6.jpg

Lump me into that category anytime you want

RotationSlimWang
07-31-2008, 09:57 AM
That kid would post some shit worth reading--does not apply.

MissingPerson
07-31-2008, 10:04 AM
I didn't read this thread because, well, I read it the first time as a pussy lurker. But this is what I think of when I read the phrase "newfags":

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3040/2719589539_7a25498ac6.jpg

Lump me into that category anytime you want

Good God, I don't even know how to deal with that. Earlier today, I was looking at a picture of a three legged cat with no face, and I thought "Jesus, this is the weirdest thing I've seen all week", but then, there you go and blow that out of the water.

apostle2
07-31-2008, 10:05 AM
Then that shit is settled, that is my newfag, everyone else is

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3025/2719632435_700f272ed0.jpg

MissingPerson
07-31-2008, 10:06 AM
Other people can see these images too, right? There isn't just some weird gas leak in my house or something?

apostle2
07-31-2008, 10:08 AM
yeah, it's crazy what you find when you go to google and put in "Gay Baby"

MissingPerson
07-31-2008, 10:09 AM
Be real careful, apostle, that's the kind of thing the cops will look for when they seize your computer.

apostle2
07-31-2008, 10:11 AM
side note, should've turned my filter on...got some pictures of adult males showing their linus' in diapers

chairmenmeow47
07-31-2008, 10:12 AM
side note, should've turned my filter on...got some pictures of adult males showing their linus' in diapers

...

wtf?! linus'?! diapers?! i'm kinda glad i can't see you kids and your crazy google image searches at work, lol.

MissingPerson
07-31-2008, 10:15 AM
It's a shaved, three-legged cat with no face.

Look at it's eyes - I'm fairly sure it's the Terminator.

marooko
07-31-2008, 10:17 AM
id say "poor kitty", but i just dont really care for cats.

MissingPerson
07-31-2008, 10:19 AM
I think that cat deserves a certain amound of respect. I mean it's lost a leg and it's face and it doesn't look the least bit rattled about it. That right there is the Chuck Norris of cats. Badass.

locachica73
07-31-2008, 10:21 AM
Not many pictures make it through to me at work, they usually show up as red x's. But for some reason I get to see the 3 legged, bald, faceless pussy. Just my luck.

MissingPerson
07-31-2008, 10:23 AM
Maybe it's relevant to your job. Do you work in some field that involves mutant amputee cats?

locachica73
07-31-2008, 10:24 AM
Maybe it's relevant to your job. Do you work in some field that involves mutant amputee cats?

hmmm well I work in construction so I don't ever remember seeing any mutant amputee cats, just people who have lost body parts.

SFChrissy
07-31-2008, 10:38 AM
points...wtf???

marooko
07-31-2008, 10:55 AM
bitch move.

BROKENDOLL
07-31-2008, 01:07 PM
points...wtf??? It's a Randing thing, SFChrissy.

Wheres the beef?
07-31-2008, 01:09 PM
Stale copypasta is stale

All That I Am
07-31-2008, 01:42 PM
Fuck points.
I just lost The Game.

Young blood
07-31-2008, 01:44 PM
This thread is cute.

marooko
07-31-2008, 01:46 PM
you're cute.

Blinken
07-31-2008, 01:57 PM
Awwww Marooko is trying to get some of Young's cock, how cute.

Young blood
07-31-2008, 01:57 PM
This message board has full blown herps there is no stopping it now, the only hope to is to suppress flare ups

marooko
07-31-2008, 02:05 PM
Awwww Marooko is trying to get some of Young's cock, how cute.

you're next. i dont mind if you join in though....j?

captncrzy
07-31-2008, 02:09 PM
It's a Randing thing, SFChrissy.

Actually, it's not.

Blinken
07-31-2008, 02:16 PM
you're next. i dont mind if you join in though....j?

Thats fine I will pitch to you if you really want, don't expect a courtesy reach around though.

marooko
07-31-2008, 02:18 PM
j's the catcher in this scenario.

Young blood
07-31-2008, 02:21 PM
gay. lol.