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Yablonowitz
09-10-2007, 11:26 AM
Thanks to bradfish for showing this to me. I felt it deserved it's own thread in this forum.



Pitchfork Gives Music 6.8
The Onion | September 10, 2007 | Issue 43•37


CHICAGO—Music, a mode of creative expression consisting of sound and silence expressed through time, was given a 6.8 out of 10 rating in an review published Monday on Pitchfork Media, a well-known music-criticism website.


According to the review, authored by Pitchfork editor in chief Ryan Schreiber, the popular medium that predates the written word shows promise but nonetheless "leaves the listener wanting more."

"Music's first offering, an eclectic, disparate, but mostly functional compendium of influences from 5000 B.C. to present day, hints that this trend's time may not only have fully arrived, but is already on the wane," Schreiber wrote. "If music has any chance of keeping our interest, it's going to have to move beyond the same palatable but predictable notes, meters, melodies, tonalities, atonalities, timbres, and harmonies."

Schreiber's semi-favorable review, which begins in earnest after a six-paragraph preamble comprising a long list of baroquely rendered, seemingly unrelated anecdotes peppered with obscure references, summarizes music as a "solid but uninspired effort."

"Coming in at an exhausting 7,000 years long, music is weighed down by a few too many mid- tempo tunes, most notably 'Liebesträume No. 3 in A flat' by Franz Liszt and 'Closing Time' by '90s alt-rock group Semisonic," Schreiber wrote. "In the end, though music can be brilliant at times, the whole medium comes off as derivative of Pavement."

While Schreiber concedes that music is still "trying to find its aesthetic," he also claims the form has not yet lived up to the lavish praise heaped on it by pop culture journalist Chuck Klosterman and 19th-century French romantic composer and critic Hector Berlioz, among others.

Schreiber concludes his critique by calling on music to develop a more cohesive sound in its future releases.

"We can only hope that [music] will begin to grow with its fans over the next few millennia," Schreiber said. "If it can stick to what it does well, namely the song 'Peg' by Steely Dan, and Tuvan throat singing, then a sophomore effort will indeed be something to get excited about."

The review has split the music community, with many decrying Pitchfork's lukewarm reception of music as a contrarian move designed to propel the publication's tastemaker status.

"It's elitism for the sake of elitism," said Rolling Stone senior editor David Fricke, who refuted Pitchfork's middling rating, describing the entire art form as "transcendent." "I've been listening to music for over 30 years, and it's consistently some of the best stuff out there."

Despite music's defenders, the Pitchfork review has made a deep impression on the thousands of music fans who slavishly follow the website's advice when it comes to enjoying things.

"Music used to be great, but let's be honest, it's a 6.8 now at best," said Los Angeles resident Lowell Radler, 23, who admitted that he just looked at the rating rather than reading the whole review. "I seriously might never listen to music again."

Still, most analysts agreed that the impact of Pitchfork's scathing review of music will be dampened by the 2.4 rating it received from Pitchfork staff writer Dave Maher just moments after the initial critique was published online. Maher termed Schreiber's assessment of music "overwrought, masturbatory posturing intended to make insecure hipsters feel as if they're part of some imagined elite beau monde."

fober
09-10-2007, 11:32 AM
I don't know how close to the truth this satire is, but I'm kind of glad I don't visit Pitchfork.

Tylerdurden31
09-10-2007, 11:32 AM
the last paragraph takes the proverbial cake

Tylerdurden31
09-10-2007, 11:32 AM
I don't know how close to the truth this satire is, but I'm kind of glad I don't visit Pitchfork.

the last paragraph sums it up

Ardentbiscuit
09-10-2007, 11:34 AM
The Onion is the greatest newspaper ever.

I went to a screening of "The Onion" the movie, it was never released but it was hilarious. Should have come out.

mob roulette
09-10-2007, 11:35 AM
Schreiber's semi-favorable review, which begins in earnest after a six-paragraph preamble comprising a long list of baroquely rendered, seemingly unrelated anecdotes peppered with obscure references, summarizes music as a "solid but uninspired effort."

"Coming in at an exhausting 7,000 years long, music is weighed down by a few too many mid- tempo tunes, most notably 'Liebesträume No. 3 in A flat' by Franz Liszt and 'Closing Time' by '90s alt-rock group Semisonic," Schreiber wrote. "In the end, though music can be brilliant at times, the whole medium comes off as derivative of Pavement."

"It's elitism for the sake of elitism," said Rolling Stone senior editor David Fricke, who refuted Pitchfork's middling rating, describing the entire art form as "transcendent." "I've been listening to music for over 30 years, and it's consistently some of the best stuff out there."



+30. Ten per paragraph. Freaking love The Onion. Still.



"Music used to be great, but let's be honest, it's a 6.8 now at best," said Los Angeles resident Lowell Radler, 23, who admitted that he just looked at the rating rather than reading the whole review. "I seriously might never listen to music again."

Randy, your first name is Lowell? You should just admit it dude. No hating here.

dorkfish
09-10-2007, 11:39 AM
"In the end, though music can be brilliant at times, the whole medium comes off as derivative of Pavement."

bug on your lip
09-10-2007, 11:41 AM
"We can only hope that [music] will begin to grow with its fans over the next few millennia," Schreiber said. "If it can stick to what it does well, namely the song 'Peg' by Steely Dan, and Tuvan throat singing, then a sophomore effort will indeed be something to get excited about."



Pegggggggggggggggggggggg
it will come back to you

mob roulette
09-10-2007, 11:44 AM
Don't hate on the Dan man. Rikki don't lose that number. She really really don't.

RotationSlimWang
09-10-2007, 11:46 AM
I really like the premises of a lot of The Onion's pieces but they end up pissing me off 'cause it feels like watered-down Harvard Lampoon to me. I do remember one great piece they had about a college student who committed suicide and wrote his suicide note in nothing but Simpsons references. That was pretty good.

On a sidenote, I had this idea a couple years ago but have never had the energy to figure out exactly how to write it--after noticing just how many imitators The Onion has spawned I decided I want at some point to write a The Onion-stylized fake news article about how The Onion-stylized fake news articles have begun reproducing on their own inside the internet and are plotting a sarcastic takeover.

arbouler
09-10-2007, 11:49 AM
do hipsters really talk about music these days? probably a bit naive but i think the only music they listen to these days are just daft punk, justice, dan deacon, and girl talk? i think music enthusiasts are still the ones who mostly read p4k critically, while hipsters only like music that they can dance to when they go to clubs every night of the week and spend their parents trust funds to buy drinks and do drugs and live a lavish life without even having to bother to work the morning after?

whats up with the yasser arafat scarf that they wear these days anyway?

and whats with the whole "oh my, i take photos of hipsters looking like they're having so much fun at clubs, and my style of photography involves snapping shots randomly using flash and high contrast. oooh soooo artistic...."

RotationSlimWang
09-10-2007, 11:50 AM
Does anyone besides teenage girls and faggots like Girl Talk? Honestly.

mob roulette
09-10-2007, 11:50 AM
"Fire at Yo La Tengo concert. 100 record store clerks feared dead."

Or something like that. That one was always my favorite.

mob roulette
09-10-2007, 11:51 AM
Also I know a "******" with a mean right hook, Randy. Check yourself.

sonofhal
09-10-2007, 11:51 AM
Another onion classic

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/27870


ATHENS, GA—Thirty-seven record-store clerks are missing and feared dead in the aftermath of a partial roof collapse during a Yo La Tengo concert Monday.



"We're trying our best to rescue these clerks, but, realistically, there's not a lot of hope," said emergency worker Len Guzman, standing outside the 40 Watt Club, where the tragedy occurred. "These people are simply not in the physical condition to survive this sort of trauma. It's just a twisted mass of black-frame glasses and ironic Girl Scouts T-shirts in there."

Also believed to be among the missing are seven freelance rock critics, five vinyl junkies, two 'zine publishers, an art-school dropout, and a college-radio DJ.

The collapse occurred approximately 30 minutes into the Hoboken, NJ, band's set, when a poorly installed rooftop heating-and-cooling unit came loose and crashed through the roof, bringing several massive steel beams down with it.

Andy Ringler, an assistant manager at Wuxtry Records, sustained head trauma when he ran back into the building to rescue a fellow clerk.

"I just had to help," said Ringler, listed in stable condition at a nearby hospital. "I saw all these people coming out bleeding and dazed. I gave up my vintage Galaxie 500 shirt just to help some guy bandage his arm. It was horrible."

Added Ringler: "I just pray they can somehow get this club rebuilt in time for next month's Dismemberment Plan/Death Cab For Cutie show. That's a fantastic double bill."

Joe Gaer was among the lucky record-store clerks who escaped unscathed.

"I was in the bathroom when it happened," said Gaer, a part-time cashier at School Kids Records. "There was this loud crashing sound, followed by even louder crashing, and then all these screams. If I hadn't left to take a leak during 'Moby Octopad'—to be honest, never one of my favorite songs on I Can Hear The Heart Beating As One—I'd probably be among the dead."

"It's just tragic," Gaer continued. "I heard they were going to play Daniel Johnston's 'Speeding Motorcycle.' They almost never do that one live."

Devastated by the disaster, Athens record-store owners are still holding out hope that their employees are still alive.

"All I can do is wait and pray they'll find them," said Bert's Discount Records owner Bert Halyard, who lost clerks Todd Fischer and Dan Harris in the collapse. "They were going to start an experimental/math-rock band together. Dan had a really nice Moog synthesizer and an original pressing of the first Squirrel Bait EP."

As of press time, police and emergency rescue workers were still sifting through the wreckage for copies of Magnet, heated debates over the definition of emo, and other signs of record-store-clerk life.

"I haven't seen this much senseless hipster carnage since the Great Sebadoh Fire Of '93," said rescue worker Larry Kolterman, finding a green-and-gold suede Puma sneaker in the rubble. "It's such a shame that all those bastions of indie-rock geekitude had to go in their prime. Their cries of 'sellout' have been forever silenced."

RotationSlimWang
09-10-2007, 11:52 AM
That's pretty good. I know this is probably an unpopular opinion but I think if you take the average funniness of all their articles their headlines are about 50 percent of the chuckles.

sonofhal
09-10-2007, 11:52 AM
ha mob!

J~$$$
09-10-2007, 11:53 AM
Up with Palestine.

mob roulette
09-10-2007, 11:54 AM
I know. Thank you bro. Great minds think alike, I guess.

RotationSlimWang
09-10-2007, 11:54 AM
Also I know a "******" with a mean right hook, Randy. Check yourself.

I don't get your point. I'm going to sidestep the easy "why are you referring to yourself in the third person" joke and just say, well sure, what the fuck's your point?

I know a couple faggots I wouldn't want to fuck with either. One of whom is one of my very best friends. He's a fucking evil little cocksucker though--both literally and metaphorically. Are you suggesting I should be careful of calling them faggots because they'll give me a right hook? I doubt it. Plus any faggots that don't throw the word "******" around brazenly are fucking gay.

J~$$$
09-10-2007, 11:56 AM
OMG stop it you fuckin drama queen.

Mr.Nipples
09-10-2007, 11:58 AM
you like to use the word ****** and *****' alot...

mob roulette
09-10-2007, 11:59 AM
You throw around the words ****** and ****** like they're going out of style. That's my point. And it's all just a wee bit insulting somehow, even coming from a hep white boy from LA. That's all I'm saying.

But I'm done policing you. It means very little to me really. This BOARD does, but that's something else entirely.

EDIT: Thank you Nipples.

RotationSlimWang
09-10-2007, 12:00 PM
Suicide Letter Full Of Simpsons References

STORRS, CT—University of Connecticut sophomore Aaron Bennett, 20, was found dead of an apparent sleeping-pill overdose in his campus-area apartment Saturday, a suicide note riddled with references to the popular TV show The Simpsons on his desk.

Bennett appears happy in a March photo taken in his bedroom. "Outwardly, Aaron seemed like a gentle, quiet, stable person," dean of students Kathleen Ernst said Monday. "But clearly, he must have had a darker, troubled side that he kept hidden. The only thing we can be certain of is that, to the very end, he really knew his Simpsons."

Friends and family are struggling to comprehend the dean's-list chemistry major's motivation for taking his own life, as outlined in the three-page suicide letter.

"When death comes so suddenly, it can seem incomprehensible," Ernst said. "It certainly doesn't help matters that Aaron's note begins, 'No banging your head on the display case, please. It contains a very rare Mary Worth in which she has advised a friend to commit suicide.' How do you even begin to explain something like that to his parents?"

Bennett's cousin, Tracy Hogg, said she did not know that the young man was despondent, but did know that he was a big Simpsons fan.

"Aaron had loved The Simpsons since he was little," Hogg said. "He found so much joy in the show. He had nearly every episode memorized word-for-word. You'd think there'd be no reason for someone like him to take his own life."

The three-page note, headed with the inscription "Dumb Things I Gotta Do Today," includes references to plotlines from dozens of the more than 300 episodes of the animated series. Bennett quotes Simpsons mainstays like Bart Simpson and Ned Flanders, as well as relatively obscure characters, such as Lyle Lanley, Disco Stu, and Very Tall Man.

"Today, part four of our series on the agonizing pain in which I live every day," Bennett's note read. "Or should I say part 400? Not even drinking age yet and I'm tired, people. For me, life is like an escalator to nowhere. Well, this is where I jump off."

Storrs Police Department detective Roger Mann said the note is so dense with references that the investigators, most of them only casually acquainted with the show, have had difficulty distinguishing Bennett's original thoughts from the many Simpsons-derived expressions.

"It will take some time to fully understand Aaron's letter," Mann said. "For example, he talks about banishing himself to the land of wind and ghosts, a remark that struck me as particularly haunting and despairing. But later, someone told me the line comes from a Simpsons lampoon of a Japanese TV commercial."

Some of the quotes in the letter contain no clear allusion to Bennett's impending death or despondency.

"On page three, the letter says, 'Can you open my milk, Mommy?'—a line with no apparent suicidal meaning," Mann said. "But then, you don't know. When he quoted Simpsons character Ralph Wiggum, Aaron might have been lamenting his lack of independence or pining for his lost childhood. But I'm willing to bet that he just thought that line was funny."

Continued Mann: "I believe this may also be the case with 'Diagnosis: delicious.'"

A police photo shows Bennett's suicide letter, exactly as found on top of his desk. Magnus Whittaker, Bennett's friend since junior high and a fellow Simpsons enthusiast, said he corresponded with Bennett regularly until about four months ago, when Bennett mysteriously stopped e-mailing him. Whittaker described his friend as a kind but withdrawn young man whose favorite mode of communication was the quoting of Simpsons lines.

Whittaker said that, in in a phone conversation weeks prior to his death, Bennett was unusually candid about his unhappiness.

"Aaron likened himself to Frank Grimes," Whittaker said, referring to the hard-working Springfield Nuclear Power Plant employee. "He resented that no one paid attention to him, and he complained that no one seemed to appreciate his hard work. Once, when we were IM-ing each other, he said he sometimes wished he would electrocute himself, like Frank Grimes did. I was like, 'Holy flurking schnit.'"

In spite of the warning, Whittaker said he was shocked when Bennett took his own life.

"I am absolutely stunned Aaron was capable of killing himself," Whittaker said. "I was even more bowled over by his note. I mean, that 'I ate too much plastic candy' line was so cool. I actually had to look that one up."

As those who knew Bennett continue to decipher his final thoughts, Ernst urged any students who might feel depressed to seek treatment.

"You may feel unloved, misunderstood, or stressed, but all people experience those feelings at one time or another," Ernst said. "I want everyone to know that help is available from a variety of sources, on and off campus. It's so tragic to see someone so young give up and say, 'Oh, I've wasted my life.' It's just such a shame that Aaron felt his was the worst existence—ever."

"Jeez, now I'm doing it," Ernst added.

-----------------------------

Upon re-reading, it's really not that funny after the premise has been established. I bolded the one line that actually made me smile. But I might be bitter for the following reasons: I can tell you what episode at least 80 percent of those references are from; my brother and I used to have entire dinner conversations consisting of nothing but exchanged Simpsons quotes for YEARS; and they referenced the Frank Grimes episode which is somehow just about the biggest fan favorite even though it's the episode that marks the show jumping the shark. Sad, sad thing that was.

J~$$$
09-10-2007, 12:04 PM
The Simpsons fireman episode from last night was funny as all get out.

RotationSlimWang
09-10-2007, 12:04 PM
HELLO ASSHOLES:

Mauve, you provincial fuckhead. Why do you continue to make these comments when you know full well how I'm going to respond? Cut it the fuck out if you don't like the responses.

As for the rest of you, could you fucking bag up your giving a fuck already? Yes, I'm going to respond when someone says something like that. It ain't my fault, it's just how I was made. SOMEONE is perpetuating this cycle, but it isn't me.

Furthermore, why shouldn't I use the words ****** or ******? How do you know I'm not a ******, to begin with? And would it be less offensive if I was? I could be a tarbaby as well. Either way, stop acting like a bunch of gashes.

bug on your lip
09-10-2007, 12:32 PM
"Fire at Yo La Tengo concert. 100 record store clerks feared dead."

Or something like that. That one was always my favorite.

hahahaahahahahhaa
that is fukkin classic


i always liked:

T-Ball stand pitches perfect game at Special Olympics

rage patton
09-10-2007, 12:46 PM
do hipsters really talk about music these days? probably a bit naive but i think the only music they listen to these days are just daft punk, justice, dan deacon, and girl talk? i think music enthusiasts are still the ones who mostly read p4k critically, while hipsters only like music that they can dance to when they go to clubs every night of the week and spend their parents trust funds to buy drinks and do drugs and live a lavish life without even having to bother to work the morning after?

You refer to those kind of people as "hipsters"? I call those kind of people ravers. I think of hipsters as people who listen to Aracde Fire, but pretend they arent famous.

luckyface
09-10-2007, 01:09 PM
The Marilyn Manson article (http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28771) from 2001 has always been my favorite. It is a little outdated now that he is basically a niche artist, but it still does the job. And the pictures are excellent.

Marilyn Manson Now Going Door-To-Door Trying To Shock People

January 31, 2001 | Issue 37•03

OVERLAND PARK, KS–Stung by flagging album sales and Eminem's supplanting him as Middle America's worst nightmare, shock rocker Marilyn Manson has embarked on a door-to-door tour of suburbia in a desperate, last-ditch effort to shock and offend average Americans.

Accompanied by bandmates Twiggy Ramirez, Madonna Wayne Gacy, and Zim Zum, Manson kicked off his 50-city "Boo" tour Jan. 26 in Overland Park, a conservative, middle-class suburb of Kansas City.

"When we first laid eyes on Overland Park, with its neat little frame houses, immaculately landscaped lawns, and SUVs in the driveways, we couldn't wait to swoop down on it like the Black Death," said Manson, born Brian Warner in Canton, OH. "We were like, 'Welcome to our nightmare, you bloated, pustulent pigs.'"

Last Friday at 4 p.m., Mark Wesley, 46, a resident of Overland Park's exclusive Maple Bluff subdivision, heard the sound of "animal-like shrieking" coming from the vicinity of his front lawn. Upon opening his front door, he was greeted by the sight of a pale and shirtless Manson carving a pentagram into his chest with a razor blade.

"Look at me, suburban dung," Manson told Wesley. "Does this shock you?"

When Wesley replied no, he said Manson became "petulant." Recalled Wesley: "He started stamping his feet and shaking his fists, saying, 'What do you mean no? Aren't your uptight, puritanical sensibilities offended? Don't you want to censor me so you don't have to confront the ugly truth I represent?' So I say, 'Well, not particularly.' Then, after a long pause, he says, 'Well, screw you, jerk!' and walks off sulking."

That evening, Linda Schmidt was preparing to drive her daughter Alyssa to a Girl Scouts meeting when she found Manson standing on her porch draped in sheep entrails.

"I knew who he was, but I was kind of busy and didn't really have time to chat," Schmidt said. "He just kept standing there staring at me, expecting me to react in some way."

Added Schmidt: "I tried to be nice and humor him a little. I said, 'Yesiree, that sure is some shocking satanic imagery, no doubt about it. And that one eye with no color in the pupil, very disturbing. I'd sure like to suppress that.' I mean, what do you say to Marilyn Manson?"

A deflated Manson remained on Schmidt's porch as she and Alyssa drove off.

Subsequent attempts to provoke outrage were met with equal indifference.

"[Manson] was standing at my front door wearing those fake breasts he wore on the cover of Mechanical Animals," retiree Judith Hahn said. "He said, 'My name is Marilyn Manson, and I'm here to tear your little world apart.' I thought he was collecting for the Kiwanis food drive, so I gave him some cans of pumpkin-pie filling."

Undaunted, Manson and his entourage stepped up their assault on mainstream American sensibilities. On Tuesday, they arrived in the tiny Detroit suburb of Grosse Pointe Farms, where stockbroker Glenn Binford answered his doorbell to find Manson hanging upside-down on a wooden cross as Ramirez performed fellatio on him.

"I just stood there thinking, now there's a boy who tries way too hard," Binford said. "I mean, come on: Homoerotic sacrilege went out in the late '90s."

Other provocative acts by Manson–including dismembering a chicken, bathing in pig's blood, and wearing a three-piece suit of human noses–failed to arouse anyone's ire, instead prompting comments such as "sophomoric," "trite," and "so Alice Cooper."

Manson's lone brush with controversy occurred in Edina, MN, a suburb of Minneapolis. An unidentified neighborhood-watch volunteer phoned police after seeing a nude, feces-smeared Manson being led around on a leash by a dwarf dominatrix. Officers arrived on the scene, but let Manson go with a warning for parading without a city permit.

"I could have given him a citation, but I figured, how much harm is he really causing?" Edina Police Officer Dan Herberger said. "I mean, he's just Marilyn Manson, for the love of Mike."

The "Boo" tour was dealt a further blow when Manson learned that Eminem's The Marshall Mathers LP had been banned from all Kmart stores. Manson's current album, Holy Wood (In The Shadow Of The Valley Of Death), is still available.

"Why are all you people outraged by Eminem? He's not scary!" Manson said. "He doesn't sport ghoulishly pale skin or wear gender-bending make-up. He's just some regular guy. I'm the one who people should be terrified by, not him! Me!"

"If you ban me," Manson continued, "I promise to rail against censorship and hypocrisy. Please? Pretty, pretty please?"

By Monday, the tour appeared to have lost all momentum. Sources close to Manson described him as "exhausted and discouraged," despite not having even completed the first leg of the three-month tour. By the time he arrived in Hoffman Estates, IL, Manson had resorted to leaving flaming bags of dog feces on doorsteps and shining a flashlight under his chin to make himself look "spooky." He was ultimately chased from a Hoffman Estates subdivision by a group of bicycle-riding teenagers who advised him to "get [his] chalk-white goblin ass" out of their neighborhood.

On Friday, Manson is slated to appear in Bethesda, MD, where many believe he will bring his tour to a premature end.

"Have you people forgotten already?" Manson told The Washington Post. "You all thought I was responsible for Columbine two years ago. Well, I was! I was! I know I vehemently denied it at the time, but, really, I personally told those two kids to shoot up the school. I'm serious. I sent them an e-mail. And I told them to worship Satan, too. You hear that, kids? Marilyn Manson says you should shoot your friends in the head with a gun! And everyone should eat babies! And rape their dead grandparents! And poop on a church! There, now will someone please be offended?"

algunz
09-10-2007, 01:10 PM
I thought Arcade Fire saved music?

Tylerdurden31
09-10-2007, 01:55 PM
do hipsters really talk about music these days?

hipsters don't talk about music...that's so gauche. They talk about stuff so extremely obscure that no one could possibly know if what they're saying is factual.

TomAz
09-10-2007, 01:59 PM
do hipsters really talk about music these days? probably a bit naive but i think the only music they listen to these days are just daft punk, justice, dan deacon, and girl talk? i think music enthusiasts are still the ones who mostly read p4k critically, while hipsters only like music that they can dance to when they go to clubs every night of the week and spend their parents trust funds to buy drinks and do drugs and live a lavish life without even having to bother to work the morning after?

whats up with the yasser arafat scarf that they wear these days anyway?

and whats with the whole "oh my, i take photos of hipsters looking like they're having so much fun at clubs, and my style of photography involves snapping shots randomly using flash and high contrast. oooh soooo artistic...."


You refer to those kind of people as "hipsters"? I call those kind of people ravers. I think of hipsters as people who listen to Aracde Fire, but pretend they arent famous.


hipsters don't talk about music...that's so gauche. They talk about stuff so extremely obscure that no one could possibly know if what they're saying is factual.



you people are quibbling over what consistutes a 'hipster'. this is unintentional self-parody at its finest. especially given the context of this thread.

fatbastard
09-10-2007, 02:04 PM
http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/onion_news2180.article.jpg

J~$$$
09-10-2007, 02:07 PM
Fatal Spaz Attack Claims Life Of Area Spaz

CAPE GIRARDEAU, MO—Friends and family are remembering Gilbert Wilkinson as a "total spaz" following his fatal spaz attack Tuesday at the Golden Palace Dance & Supper Club in Cape Girardeau. "We were dancing and laughing and just having a very nice time when, out of nowhere, he completely spazzed out," wife Louise Wilkinson said. "His arms were flailing wildly, and he was bouncing all over the place like a complete spaz. Gilbert had had spaz attacks before, but as soon as he started spazzing, I could tell this was the Big One." Funeral arrangements will be announced as soon as members of Wilkinson's family, also complete spazzes, stop spazzing out over his death

kreutz2112
09-10-2007, 02:08 PM
http://media.threadless.com/product/917/view1.jpg

J~$$$
09-10-2007, 02:09 PM
Two Hipsters Angrily Call Each Other 'Hipster'

AUSTIN, TX—An argument between local hipsters Dan Walters and Brian Guterman has devolved to the point where each is angrily calling the other "hipster," those close to the pair reported Monday. "Hey, hipster! Here's 12 bucks—why don't you go get yourself a bucket of PBRs at the Gold Mine?" Walters, 22, is said to have told Guterman, 22, invoking the name of a local bar known for its "poseur" clientele. "Whatever you say, scenester," Guterman allegedly replied. "Don't you have a Death Cab For Cutie show to be at right now?" Acquaintances of Guterman and Walters trace the long-running conflict back to high school, when they reportedly threw pencils at each other and argued about who was more "emo.

mob roulette
09-10-2007, 02:29 PM
Justin for the win.

RotationSlimWang
09-10-2007, 02:38 PM
Hey Mob, I could use a job. Still need an assistant? I'll let you pork me after every steak and martini lunch, I promise. =)

algunz
09-10-2007, 02:41 PM
Why don't you get a teaching credential, Randy? You have so much that you could teach the yutes.

arbouler
09-10-2007, 02:41 PM
you people are quibbling over what consistutes a 'hipster'. this is unintentional self-parody at its finest. especially given the context of this thread.

youre a hipster

Tylerdurden31
09-10-2007, 02:42 PM
you're a towel

J~$$$
09-10-2007, 02:43 PM
I wouldnt let randy be within a 1000 yard vicinity of my kids.

RotationSlimWang
09-10-2007, 03:14 PM
Really, J? You wouldn't want to let me around your kids?

No shit.

And I'd kill myself first, Gunz. Either that or go into porn. Actually, I'd go into porn and then teaching 'cause kids are a great market for that.

bballarl
09-10-2007, 04:53 PM
Classic.

idrive1life
09-10-2007, 05:30 PM
It will be a matter of time now for something like this

X5-rGN0ou_4&eurl

bmack86
09-10-2007, 07:05 PM
"In the end, though music can be brilliant at times, the whole medium comes off as derivative of Pavement."
That's earned signature status.

algunz
09-11-2007, 02:34 PM
Really, J? You wouldn't want to let me around your kids?

No shit.

And I'd kill myself first, Gunz. Either that or go into porn. Actually, I'd go into porn and then teaching 'cause kids are a great market for that.

About 5 years ago, I found some nudie mags on the hood of my car after school - they seemed pretty well used.

miseducation
09-11-2007, 06:03 PM
Hilarious thread and article, and like something I once told Trick Loves the Kids, as he laughed at me for dreading the Justice/Girl Talk conflict - nobody who regularly reads this board can truly crack good jokes at Pitchfork's taste.

(Only their amazing ability to be self-aggrandizing and over elaborate anything positive or negative, ever.)

That and, as funny as this article is... This is best onion article ever:

Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs, 'Oh Shit' says Humanity. (http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28315)

sonofhal
10-14-2007, 03:22 AM
Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame Retires 'D' Chord


CLEVELAND—The D chord, famed for its part in innumerable classic rock songs, including "Back in Black," "Bad Moon Rising," and "Don't Be Cruel," was retired Tuesday during a ceremony at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum.

"The D chord has firmly cemented its place in rock history," said Hall of Fame founder and Rolling Stone publisher Jann Wenner at the induction, during which Eric Clapton, Chuck Berry, Pete Townshend, R.E.M.'s Peter Buck, and several other rock luminaries simultaneously performed the chord one last time. "We are proud to honor the legacy of this immortal and eminently prestigious musical tone by never allowing it to be played again in any genre of rock music."

The D chord will take its place in the museum's permanent collection alongside Jimi Hendrix's guitar, David Bowie's Ziggy Stardust–era platform boots, and the whole-note rest.

crazzz2007
10-14-2007, 03:44 AM
I thought Arcade Fire saved music?

The only person the arcade fire ever saved is DeltaSigChi4.

sydaud
10-14-2007, 03:58 AM
Still my all-time favorite Onion musical article:

Clinton Threatens To Drop Da Bomb On Iraq


CHOCOLATE CITY—In an address before an emergency session of Parliament Monday, George Clinton said he is prepared to drop Da Bomb on Iraq if Saddam Hussein does not loosen up and comply with U.N. weapons inspectors by the Clinton-imposed deadline of March 1.


http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/onion_news1930.article.jpg


George Clinton, Iraq
"For Saddam Hussein to refuse to let U.N. officials inspect Iraqi weapons facilities as per the terms of Iraq's 1991 Gulf War surrender is decidedly unfunky of him," Clinton said. "While the decision to drop Da Bomb is never an easy one, unless Saddam gets down with this whole U.N.-inspection thang and seriously refunkatizes his stance by March 1, we will have no choice but to tear the roof off Baghdad."

Preparations for the military strike, dubbed Operation Supergroovalisticprosifunkstication Storm, are already underway. The Mothership is ready and on standby at Starchild Air Force Base in Detroit, where more than 5,000 bop gunners are making final preparations for deployment to the Persian Gulf. Clinton has also ordered an additional 2,500 Aquaboogie Amphibious Assault units to the Gulf, bringing the total P-Funk Nation military presence in the region to 23,000.

According to General William "Bootsy" Collins, the primary goal of the ground assault is to breach Hussein's presidential palace, capture the Iraqi leader, and "put some serious funk in his trunk."

Collins acknowledged that the mission would not be easy.

"Saddam's palace is heavily fortified. In the front, it's protected by several dozen towers manned with armed guards, and in the back, there's a 50-foot high hump—so high you can't get over it and so wide you can't get around it," Collins said. "Having our men attempt to attack from the front would be suicide: If we are to have any chance of entering the palace and funkatizing Saddam, we've got to get over the hump. After all, if you want to capture a boogie, you've got to attack from the back."

Despite the difficulty of the task ahead, troop morale is high. "As a soldier in the army of Uncle Jam, I have pledged my full groovallegiance to Commander-In-Chief Clinton," said Lieutenant Bernie Worrell of the army's elite 72nd Promentalshitbackwashpsychosis Enema Squadron. "I am fully prepared to give up my life for the funk. To the rear... march."

"Executing political adversaries, shunning foreigners, condemning America as 'The Great Satan'—that Saddam is one uptight cat," Mothership captain Eddie Hazel said. "For too long, he has ruled Iraq with neither a glide in his stride nor a dip in his hip. At this point, our only remaining option is to drop a serious funk bomb on him."

Clinton's ultimatum before Parliament was met with high praise from numerous top-ranking Chocolate City officials, including Secretary of Education Richard Pryor, Secretary of Fine Arts Stevie Wonder and First Lady Aretha Franklin.


http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/onion_news1925.article.jpg
Anti-funk demonstrators protest George Clinton's plan to drop Da Bomb on Baghdad.
"Saddam has two choices," Pryor said. "Get down or step down."

While polls indicate that Operation Supergroovalisticprosifunkstication Storm enjoys strong support among Chocolate City residents, many residents of the city's less funky vanilla suburbs question its purpose.

"Why are we dropping Da Bomb on Iraq if it's only Saddam we're after?" Peter Strosser, 37, said. "If Da Bomb is dropped on Baghdad, the bootys of countless innocent Iraqi civilians will be tragically loosened. Is that what we want, to turn millions of decent, reserved Iraqis into free-spirited, dance-crazed party people? I think not."

"The effects of dropping this 50,000-megafunk bomb on a heavily populated city like Baghdad will be devastating," said Linda Sue Strelczyk, president of Suburbanites Against Da Bomb. "At ground zero, the explosion will give off a horrific, blinding flash-light, causing untold millions who look directly into it to get totally freaky."

Responding to the anti-Bomb protests among the unfunky, Clinton made an impassioned plea for unity.

"In times of crisis such as this, we must stand united, not divided," Clinton said. "We must join together as one nation under a groove, getting down just for the funk of it."

i_like_cake530
10-14-2007, 06:08 PM
Thanks to bradfish for showing this to me. I felt it deserved it's own thread in this forum.



Pitchfork Gives Music 6.8
The Onion | September 10, 2007 | Issue 43•37


CHICAGO—Music, a mode of creative expression consisting of sound and silence expressed through time, was given a 6.8 out of 10 rating in an review published Monday on Pitchfork Media, a well-known music-criticism website.


According to the review, authored by Pitchfork editor in chief Ryan Schreiber, the popular medium that predates the written word shows promise but nonetheless "leaves the listener wanting more."

"Music's first offering, an eclectic, disparate, but mostly functional compendium of influences from 5000 B.C. to present day, hints that this trend's time may not only have fully arrived, but is already on the wane," Schreiber wrote. "If music has any chance of keeping our interest, it's going to have to move beyond the same palatable but predictable notes, meters, melodies, tonalities, atonalities, timbres, and harmonies."

Schreiber's semi-favorable review, which begins in earnest after a six-paragraph preamble comprising a long list of baroquely rendered, seemingly unrelated anecdotes peppered with obscure references, summarizes music as a "solid but uninspired effort."

"Coming in at an exhausting 7,000 years long, music is weighed down by a few too many mid- tempo tunes, most notably 'Liebesträume No. 3 in A flat' by Franz Liszt and 'Closing Time' by '90s alt-rock group Semisonic," Schreiber wrote. "In the end, though music can be brilliant at times, the whole medium comes off as derivative of Pavement."

While Schreiber concedes that music is still "trying to find its aesthetic," he also claims the form has not yet lived up to the lavish praise heaped on it by pop culture journalist Chuck Klosterman and 19th-century French romantic composer and critic Hector Berlioz, among others.

Schreiber concludes his critique by calling on music to develop a more cohesive sound in its future releases.

"We can only hope that [music] will begin to grow with its fans over the next few millennia," Schreiber said. "If it can stick to what it does well, namely the song 'Peg' by Steely Dan, and Tuvan throat singing, then a sophomore effort will indeed be something to get excited about."

The review has split the music community, with many decrying Pitchfork's lukewarm reception of music as a contrarian move designed to propel the publication's tastemaker status.

"It's elitism for the sake of elitism," said Rolling Stone senior editor David Fricke, who refuted Pitchfork's middling rating, describing the entire art form as "transcendent." "I've been listening to music for over 30 years, and it's consistently some of the best stuff out there."

Despite music's defenders, the Pitchfork review has made a deep impression on the thousands of music fans who slavishly follow the website's advice when it comes to enjoying things.

"Music used to be great, but let's be honest, it's a 6.8 now at best," said Los Angeles resident Lowell Radler, 23, who admitted that he just looked at the rating rather than reading the whole review. "I seriously might never listen to music again."

Still, most analysts agreed that the impact of Pitchfork's scathing review of music will be dampened by the 2.4 rating it received from Pitchfork staff writer Dave Maher just moments after the initial critique was published online. Maher termed Schreiber's assessment of music "overwrought, masturbatory posturing intended to make insecure hipsters feel as if they're part of some imagined elite beau monde."

I dont even know what to say. Probably the worst review on anything i've ever read. If this Ryan Schreiber knew anything about music, he'd realize that there is something more to music than "the same palatable but predictable notes, meters, melodies, tonalities, atonalities, timbres, and harmonies." There is something called soul. If music doesn't speak to him like it does most people, then i just feel sorry for him for having a meaningless, emotionless and empty life.

EDIT: when i say worst review, im talking about PFork's. Not The Onion's.

jayce
01-10-2008, 06:18 AM
fuck a pitchfork

woogie846
01-13-2008, 12:20 PM
I love that Marilyn Manson article.

i_like_cake530
01-13-2008, 12:48 PM
The only person the arcade fire ever saved is DeltaSigChi4.

Am i the only one that kind of misses Delta?

wmgaretjax
01-13-2008, 03:59 PM
There is something called soul.

That's a word people use to describe something they don't understand.

Yablonowitz
01-18-2008, 08:55 PM
I dont even know what to say. Probably the worst review on anything i've ever read. If this Ryan Schreiber knew anything about music, he'd realize that there is something more to music than "the same palatable but predictable notes, meters, melodies, tonalities, atonalities, timbres, and harmonies." There is something called soul. If music doesn't speak to him like it does most people, then i just feel sorry for him for having a meaningless, emotionless and empty life.

EDIT: when i say worst review, im talking about PFork's. Not The Onion's.

Wow. You are incredibly, jaw-droppingly daft.

microlovebeat
01-18-2008, 08:59 PM
i've never liked pitchfork reviews. i really only go there for news now a days.


definitely the ultimate hipster douchebags.

hatsandcats
01-19-2008, 11:01 AM
THE ONiON iS SO FUNNY, THAT PiTCHFORK ARTiCLE iS THE BEST PiECE OF SATiRE i HAVE EVER READ - EVER

:)

RedThom
01-19-2008, 11:11 AM
This is just the ultimate kick in the throat to pitchfork

I love it. hahaha a 6.8

christ thats just right on the money

bullokz
11-02-2008, 05:23 AM
:bump

ADrunkPoet
11-04-2008, 02:42 AM
Pitchfork ain't shit but hoes and tricks.

Ardentbiscuit
02-11-2009, 07:37 PM
The Onion still rules...

Don't click if your aren't ready...

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/sony_releases_new_stupid_piece_of

Rockstarboy37
02-11-2009, 08:30 PM
Does anyone besides teenage girls and faggots like Girl Talk? Honestly.

Yes