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mob roulette
07-31-2007, 10:58 AM
Or they thought I was going to. Not being an attention whore, bitches, this is by request. Okay thanks.

So I wasnít feeling well for about a week. Fever, chills, nausea, etc. At first, I thought it might be a case of Montezumaís revenge because I was in Mexico for a little while and I always forget and eat ice or get a mixed drink or some dumb shit like that, but I didnít have anything coming out the other end, so I quickly ruled that out. Then I thought it might be a virus or an infection of some kind because it lasted so long (more like a week and a half really) and I wasnít getting any better. Plus I was starting to have a lot of pain in my back like where my kidneys would be, so I thought if it was a bad kidney infection or something, it might be a good idea to go in and get some antibiotics. So I guess it was maybe two Fridays ago, I finally decided to go to Urgent Care because I donít have a primary care physician and I was really feeling like shit. I guess I should have gone sooner, but Iím so stupid and such a fucking ape sometimes that I equate being sick with being a pussy. So dumb. So then anyway, the doctor there was really nice and looked like the dad on ďFamily TiesĒ. His name was Michael too! Anyway, he looked me over and I pissed in a cup for him and he came back and said the level of bilrubin in my urine looked way too high. Like he ran it twice because he had never seen a reading that high. I guess bilrubin is a kind of bile produced by the liver to help break shit down. I think thatís right, I donít really remember all too much from this visit because I guess I was pretty out of it. My fever was 104.5 at this point but I didnít realize thatís what they said because I kind of just plow through things especially when Iím sick. Anyway, Michael said he thought I might have West Nile and suggested I go to the hospital ASAP. He said also they would be able to do a CT scan and ultrasound on my abdomen. I said yeah, yeah, okay and left, because at this point Iím not thinking of it as I just received good medical advice, even though the doctor was very nice, Iím thinking of it as Iím out fifty bucks with no solution to my problem. This is how my brain works, even when dealing with health care. Especially when dealing with health care really. So anyway, Iím covered in sweat, I feel like shit, Iíve been up all day and my plan at this point was to try and get something to eat because I remembered I had a few codeine pills stashed away at the house and I was thinking that if I could just get something into my system so that I wouldnít throw up, I could go drop those and then trip out in front of the TV and then maybe pass out for a day or so and then when I woke up, hopefully Iíd feel better or at least better enough to deal with the problem anew.

So anyway, I went through the drive thru at Jack in the Box and got a small hamburger and a large Sprite. I took two bites of the burger and started gagging so I threw that away. I took the lid off the Sprite and literally guzzled the entire thing in like two minutes. I was SO thirsty. And then I went to Walgreenís to get some Maalox and a two liter of Sprite because I was thinking that maybe if I could take a big crap sometime in the next twenty four hours, I might feel better. Donít know why I was thinking that, except that my stomach hurt so bad too, like these really bad cramps, and the only thing I could compare it to was the feeling of being ultra constipated. So I get my stuff and Iím standing in line and thereís only one register open, nobody at Cosmetics, nobody at the Photo Center, and thereís all these fucking people in front of me buying like fucking GROCERIES and Iím just like, oh my fucking Christ. If youíve ever been in a Walgreenís when itís like super busy and youíve got like maybe three dollars worth of shit to ring up and the lady in front of you has like two carts full, you know exactly what I mean here. So anyway, Iím standing in line, shuffling my feet and holding my side and just like trying to maintain basically, and there are these kids behind me snickering and I know that theyíre laughing at me because I know Iím covered in sweat and I look like an idiot and Iím dancing around like I have to go to the bathroom and they probably think Iím a crackhead or something. So anyway, Iím trying to ignore the realities of this particular situation even though I feel like Iím going to pass the fuck out and I just want to drop everything and just like go lay down in the car for a minute but I really want the Sprite real bad all of a sudden so I decide to stick it out. So you know those tchotckes and shit they keep by the register hoping that youíll decide to pick something up while you wait? I reached out for like a squeezeball hand massager thing, I think it was, and all of a sudden I feel myself start to pitch forward. And I go to catch myself but it was like hey, where are my legs? Hello legs? Legs? LEGS? YouÖfuckingÖguysÖ

And then the lights went out.

The next thing I remember I was on a stretcher and was being wheeled down a hallway with all these voices going ďwhah-whah-whah-whahĒ like the teacher on Charlie Brown. The next thing I remember after that is a needle going into my arm and having an IV hooked up. At some point, they tried to take blood from me but apparently I blew chunks all over the place, so they decided to come back later. I remember this big ass Samoan dude being all like whoa, you sick man, they RUSHED your ass in (I guess my fever was like 106 point something when they checked me in) and then him getting my insurance card out of my wallet and after that, it was like Club Med. They treat you differently just as soon as they find out youíre a paying customer. Itís like youíre a VIP or something. This hot hot nurse came in and gave me some Potassium pills and like the coldest sweetest apple juice I had ever had in my life. She even held the back of my head while I sipped through the straw. Then this other lady came in and put two warmed blankets on top of me and I donít mean warm, I mean WARMED like she just took them out of the magic blanket baking oven or something. And she leaned waaaaay over me while she did it so that I could see her breasts and then she sort of brushed them up against me while she was tucking the blanket under me. It was wonderful. And then the hot hot nurse came back and said Mr. _______, the doctor says that we can give you something for the pain now. This is a five milligram shot of morphine. It makes a lot of people sick so Iím going to give you something for that first. She hooked up this other little bag to the IV and said it was called Zorfan? Or Zoltan? Or something like that. Anyway, after that she came back with the drugs which wasnít in a bag but like in this two pronged metal thing that also hooked into the IV thing in my arm. She said now most people, it hits them pretty quick. We usually donít give this large a dose but the doctor said it was okay because we almost lost you there for a minute. Mind you, I donít even remember MEETING the doctor at this point, so I was like yeah, sure, whatever. Letís get it on. I got to pretend Iím a lump of dog shit at this point to feel any better, so letís do this. At least put me in a better place, you know? So then she says, you will probably feel a tingling from the top of your head down and maybe some burning and Iím like lady, PLEASE. Letís GO. Have pity on monster already. Plus, the adolescent in me is like, yeah, smack for the first time. And itís legal. So I have this weird illicit thrill going on in my head over that as well. So she sets up it and clicks it in to the IV and no shit, itís like whoosh. Itís like instantaneous. I never had anything hit me that fast in my life. And Iím like wide awake all of a sudden and frozen at the top of the rollercoaster and then bam, every muscle in my body goes soft and hazy and happy and Iím not caring about anything at all and for like a split second, Iím like, oh shit, Iím a junkie now because I get it, this is fucking amazing, but then I donít even care about that because Iím drifting away on a gentle green wave with my friends the turtles and I donít care what happens to me anymore. The rest of the night after that is a blur basically, I just remember them wheeling me around to different places while I went in and out of sleep. They did a cat scan and this real nice lady put warm gel on my stomach and they did an ultrasound and at some point, they must have taken about a gallon of blood from me for testing but like I said, I didnít care. The next day, they let me stay and I slept a lot while they kept pumping fluids into me. Sodium chloride, I think, is what they use.

When they were getting ready to check me out, they had my test results ready. They still didnít know what was wrong with me. Only that my liver had temporarily stopped working and that while it was working now, the levels of trigl-something were three times higher than they should be. They gave me Vicodin and Pherangen, which didnít make any sense to me because of the acetaminophen, but Iím not one to say no to quality painkillers, by any means. They put me on a liquid diet and gave me the specialist that I was supposed to follow up with.

So I went home, did bed rest and drug holiday for like three days straight. My stomach still hurt and it burned when I pissed but hey, I had drugs, so whatever, right? I went to see the specialist and she took more blood and refilled my scripts and sent me back home for a few more days. She called me yesterday and says she thinks this whole episode was caused by my pre-existing illness. What pre-existing illness, I said? She says, well I think you might have mono, Mr._______. Either that or Valley Fever. Either the way the only treatment is rest. The elevated levels in your liver are still very high but theyíre starting to drop. Why donít you take it easy and come back and see me in four weeks and weíll run the tests again? Well, what could I say at this point? I said okay. Do I believe I have mononucleosis, a communicable adolescent disease that I already had when I was like twelve? No. Do I believe that I have Valley Fever, one of the prime symptoms of which is a virulent, persistent cough that I do not have? Nada. Am I going to argue these points with my selected health care professionals? No. Because what I do believe is that they did a GREAT job at the hospital and that they screened me for everything that they could think of. My body is a wonderland and apparently also something of a mystery to modern science. Also, now that Iíve spent over five hundred dollars on the problem, including the co pays for the ER and the specialist and the costs of the prescriptions and I feel that thatís just about enough. I guess what Iím saying is that the medical profession is not infallible and sometimes they just throw shit at the wall and they see what sticks, just the same as everybody else and I donít blame them for that either. I say just donít always treat them like theyíre the goddamned clergy or something cause theyíre not. The clergyís not even the clergy anymore. Weíre all human and we all make mistakes. What I do recommend however is hospital grade morphine as well as ER on an insurance card. It makes all the difference in the world. Any questions? No? Good.

Kthxbye///

Mr.Nipples
07-31-2007, 11:03 AM
glad youre ok mob...jesus...

amyzzz
07-31-2007, 11:11 AM
Are you OK? Did they ever figure out what was wrong? Scary.

full on idle
07-31-2007, 11:13 AM
Reading that made my stomach hurt.

Giving someone with liver malfunction vicodin is fucking reprehensible.

ThomThom
07-31-2007, 11:20 AM
Mob,

I had the same exact symptoms for about 2 weeks a little over a year ago and they diagnosed me with a severe viral infection and pneumonia...fucking weird.

Yablonowitz
07-31-2007, 11:29 AM
Are you OK? Did they ever figure out what was wrong? Scary.

Epic zzz question. Read the fucking thing BEFORE you post.

Christ almighty Mr. ___________, hope your getting better. Is your job flexible? How long will you be laying low?

Too bad the hot, hot nurse didn't do the boobie rub. But never gripe about a good boobie rub unless it's your grandma.

Ill_Eagle
07-31-2007, 11:36 AM
Glad you're back son.

fober
07-31-2007, 11:44 AM
Hey I know a guy with that last name.

Are you related to a ****?

chrislasf
07-31-2007, 11:57 AM
Do you have family and/or friends? Did people come visit you?

downingthief
07-31-2007, 12:02 PM
Holy shit, Mob. Very glad u are ok!

luckyface
07-31-2007, 12:07 PM
I am actually experiencing abdominal pains in my right side and back pain, especially right near my kidney. This does not help in my worrying. Glad to see you are ok though.

ThomThom
07-31-2007, 12:10 PM
I am actually experiencing abdominal pains in my right side and back pain, especially right near my kidney. This does not help in my worrying. Glad to see you are ok though.

If your not experiencing nausea, vomiting, fever, dizziness, or pain/blood in your urine, bloody or very dark stool along with the symptoms you already have, it should not be that big of a deal, probably a strain of some sort.

amyzzz
07-31-2007, 12:23 PM
Why don’t you take it easy and come back and see me in four weeks and we’ll run the tests again? Well, what could I say at this point?
That sounds like he doesn't have an answer yet, yabs.

bug on your lip
07-31-2007, 12:24 PM
he had Kick-Ass Synthesizer withdrawals

amyzzz
07-31-2007, 12:26 PM
I hope whatever it is, it doesn't come back.

chrislasf
07-31-2007, 12:31 PM
yabs

Abe Lincoln
07-31-2007, 12:43 PM
You didn't see this guy at Walgreen's,did you?
http://www.bobharris.com/images/stories/Sopranos/membersonly.jpg

JustSteve
07-31-2007, 12:44 PM
What I do recommend however is hospital grade morphine as well as ER on an insurance card.

insurance sure is nice, i'm in the hospital 3-4 times a year for 2 weeks at a time...the bill usually runs about $20,000 a stay. the best is when insurance tries to deny the visit. I think my dad is in the insurance company's computer and they know not to fuck with him.

the better part is when the nurse comes in and asks me what level my pain is at from 1-10. i will usually be around a 3, tylenol worthy...but i tell them i am at 8 or so, percocet or morphine worthy. it's so damn boring that i might as well just chase the dragon the whole time i'm in there.

Yablonowitz
07-31-2007, 12:44 PM
That sounds like he doesn't have an answer yet, yabs.

Exactly my fucking point.

SFChrissy
07-31-2007, 12:45 PM
all that blamed on the kissing disease...hopefully florence at least heald your hand a bit...

So are your signs and syptoms at least gone? Did they just magically disapear as easily as they appeared?

bug on your lip
07-31-2007, 12:46 PM
i think amyzzzz got into the internet prescription drug sites again

luckyface
07-31-2007, 12:59 PM
If your not experiencing nausea, vomiting, fever, dizziness, or pain/blood in your urine, bloody or very dark stool along with the symptoms you already have, it should not be that big of a deal, probably a strain of some sort.

I had the dizziness, nausea, and the achy muscles, especially in my back. I am actually worried it is my appendix.

I don't know how the doctor could think after going through everything he did that it was West Nile or Yellow Fever. Is there anyone else you could see, Mob?

captncrzy
07-31-2007, 01:38 PM
I am actually experiencing abdominal pains in my right side and back pain, especially right near my kidney. This does not help in my worrying. Glad to see you are ok though.

Ok, that's completely weird, because I woke up this morning with pains on the right side of my back too near my kidney. I think maybe it's a sprain or something because I took some Ibprofeun and the pain slightly subsided.

ThomThom
07-31-2007, 01:42 PM
I had the dizziness, nausea, and the achy muscles, especially in my back. I am actually worried it is my appendix.

I don't know how the doctor could think after going through everything he did that it was West Nile or Yellow Fever. Is there anyone else you could see, Mob?


Lucky,

Call your primary care physicians office and have one of the nurse's take down the symptom info so that your primary care physician can advise you over the phone, if the symptoms persist yo have to see him. It could be one of many things, but I am leaning more towards a possible kidney stone. Don't freak out though, call first just to obtain advise on possible OTC meds or home remedies.

luckyface
07-31-2007, 03:00 PM
Lucky,

Call your primary care physicians office and have one of the nurse's take down the symptom info so that your primary care physician can advise you over the phone, if the symptoms persist yo have to see him. It could be one of many things, but I am leaning more towards a possible kidney stone. Don't freak out though, call first just to obtain advise on possible OTC meds or home remedies.

Thanks for the advice. I think I will go ahead and do this. I appreciate your input!

ewiggy
07-31-2007, 03:02 PM
mob - morphine sounds awesome. also, you should tell more stories. also, don't pretend like you didn't see where i said i'm going to stalk you. i mean meet you.

algunz
07-31-2007, 03:57 PM
Sounds as if many of us are having sympathy pains, or at least an unavoidable desire to score some comfy pills.

Cheers, my back hurts too.

mob roulette
07-31-2007, 04:38 PM
Thank you evrybody for your kind words. I will answer these one by one and then please stop paying attention to me. We have bigger fish to fry. Thank you.


Christ almighty Mr. ___________, hope your getting better. Is your job flexible? How long will you be laying low?

Too bad the hot, hot nurse didn't do the boobie rub. But never gripe about a good boobie rub unless it's your grandma.

Lately I've just been going into the office whenever I wake up, usually like 9AM or so and then I call it a day whenever I can't take it anymore, typically about 3 or 4 in the afternoon. I just tell them I'm tired and I have to go lay down, which is true, but that's also code for hey bitches, I'm out of Sprite now, plus it's time for my medicine and I really don't feel like driving stoned through rush hour traffic. So yeah, they've been pretty chill about everything. I guess it's better than me going on sick leave and them having to call me with questions all the time.

The other nurse was pretty hot too. Older. MILFY. You would have approved.


Do you have family and/or friends? Did people come visit you?

Hell naw. But none of my family are down here and I didn't call nobody till I got out. I was only in for like two days. This girl I've been kicking it with knew though and she couldn't handle it like an adult, so I'm done with her. She was more pissed that I wasn't around to entertain her and eat her p_____ and take her out to eat and shit, so I dropped her. Fucking child. I could have DIED yo. Stand by your man indeed.


You didn't see this guy at Walgreen's,did you?
http://www.bobharris.com/images/stories/Sopranos/membersonly.jpg

Hahahahahahaha. Ha.


the better part is when the nurse comes in and asks me what level my pain is at from 1-10. i will usually be around a 3, tylenol worthy...but i tell them i am at 8 or so, percocet or morphine worthy. it's so damn boring that i might as well just chase the dragon the whole time i'm in there.

Agreed. That pain scale shit is the best yo. It's such a scam, I could never figure out why they used it. Like who's going to say anything less than a 7 or an 8, especially when drugs are involved? Like I've been in a waiting room and been doing okay and I'll look around and see all these motherfuckers in pain and so this one time I had like a torn rotator cuff and it was killing me but I was a good citizen about it and I felt guilty because there were people sitting there like bleeding and shit, so I told them I was at like a four (which is prolly more like a six for most of these trick ass motherfuckers) and those bitches made me wait FOREVER. Like HOURS, while all these other marks with nothing really wrong with them went in. Never again will I do that. Uh huh.


Are you OK? Did they ever figure out what was wrong? Scary.

No Amy. But thank you for asking. I am on drugs now so I feel GREAT.


So are your signs and syptoms at least gone? Did they just magically disapear as easily as they appeared?

Goddamnit, DRUGS I SAID. How would I know if I'm any better? But no, the nausea and fever are gone thankfully. Just stomach pain now, but that's why God invented milkshakes. I'm thinking of adding whiskey but maybe not just yet. I bought a cane though for help getting in and out of the car. It's so pimp.


Is there anyone else you could see, Mob?

Like I said, over 500 + the ambulance bill I haven't received yet. They only took me like four miles but I'm sure that's another 350 right there. No, I think I'm done with doctors for awhile. Unless it starts again, then I'm going back to the same goddamn ER. Bet on it.


mob - morphine sounds awesome. also, you should tell more stories. also, don't pretend like you didn't see where i said i'm going to stalk you. i mean meet you.

I heard you. I am actually looking forward to it. I am thinking of a couple swank slash DL places right now that I want to take you. Ever ride a llama before?

Never mind. I'll surprise you.

miscorrections
07-31-2007, 06:32 PM
i'm sorry your liver decided to go on holiday, but i do like your narrative style.

marooko
07-31-2007, 07:07 PM
mob, good to hear it seems like youre getting better. most of all thank you for all these wondeerful quotes, i think my sig is booked till next year.

the "legs", the "blowing chunks.." and then them "...coming back later" the "...whah whah whah..." great stuff. i addressed this thread earlier but didnt wanna read. boy am i glad i did. fucking wonderful.

Good Days Last
08-01-2007, 12:58 AM
I know my opinion means little around (for some odd reason)

But glad to enjoy the story, and more glad that you're doing fine now.

Good Luck with the rest of recovery and no relapses.

breakjaw
08-01-2007, 03:50 AM
i'm sorry your liver decided to go on holiday, but i do like your narrative style.

I completely agree.You're fun to read.Don't die before writing some books and stuff.

marooko
08-01-2007, 06:46 AM
I know my opinion means little around (for some odd reason)

But glad to enjoy the story, and more glad that you're doing fine now.

Good Luck with the rest of recovery and no relapses.

its cause youre mormon, but i still read your posts if that means anything.

kidding relax.

Mr.Nipples
08-01-2007, 06:47 AM
its cause youre mormon


shit...you beat me...

fatbastard
08-01-2007, 09:32 AM
I read this last night but forgot to reply. Damm it Mob. This is a horrible story. I hope you get better soon. Maybe a 2nd opinion is in hand at this time.

Good Days Last
08-01-2007, 11:59 PM
Welp.

Sorry to let you guys down.

Not.

Sorry you all have to be such shallow people.

RotationSlimWang
08-02-2007, 12:11 AM
Health Lessons Learned From This Board

1. Don't shoot a bunch of smack all by yourself at 6 AM in a tent in the desert.

2. When you feel deathly ill, (a) go to the doctor, and (b) don't drink Sprite.